My Little Journal Entries

Entry: B

My depression is becoming worse, its slowly eating me. My demons in my head are controlling my thoughts, making me see things I have never noticed before. But I am getting sick of this, I want to fight this battle, but I don't know where to start.

I am sick of just staying in bed all day sulking in my own thoughts. I want to be normal again. I don't think people realize depression is hard to fight, it is always going to be with you, it never fully goes away.

I wish it would leave, but It won't go without this fight. I want to be ready to change all this, I want to be happy and see my friends and enjoy my time with them. But no-one is by my side to fight this fight with me, I am all alone. I have had my fair share of friends come and go.

Last week I lost 15 lbs, I don't know how I did it but I like it. I didn't eat much, I wonder if I continue not to eat if I can keep losing weight. Maybe if I don't eat that much anymore I can finally be like the models, I could have a flat stomach, people could see my bones, then I could finally wear a bikini and look good. If I had a genie I would totally wish for a healthy body that would stay fit so I could eat as much as I desire, and that I would be the skinniest.

Now looking back at the comments I made about being anorexic and my depression I question why nobody helped me, even my parents didn't ask anything. I wonder if society hadn't put out all the stereotypical images girls are suppose to look like if I even would have had those thoughts cross my mind. I learned now that I don't care what I look like most of the time I do like my body now, I never learned to appreciate my body and that I was made for this.

I have also learned since my days of depression that I need to stop and look at my problems, and it is okay to stop thinking about everyone else for a moment or how long as you need and focuse on yourself. Because you cannot help everyone, you can try but it just causes unneeded stress.

I am scared to talk about my past but I am trying to get over it, I want to be able to tell people that I was in a bad state and I got myself through it, but its hard, so many people judge you on past actions and just stuff you buy. I have a fear of going into clothing stores because I have had people look at the size or what I was purchasing and just give me a awful look, and I don't want to deal with that. I am getting over my fear of it, but I do like online shopping much more because I don't have to walk and drive anywhere. Not to sound lazy but if i wanted to look at laptop cases and clothes at the same time I cannot do that in an actual store.

                                                  -x

( I didn't really edit this)