Since You Came

Ch. 19

It's been two months since Ryan's death. My mood hasn't changed.

Nothing but Dan matters anymore. I walk around everyday blindly, avoiding socializing with anyone. The only people I allow conversation with is my family and my boyfriend. Ever since Dan asked me out, Mae has been ignoring me. So I never talk to her.

People at school rarely express their compassion to Jo, Aubrey and me. I think they mostly feel bad for Dan, because the two were really popular. I'm invisible to everyone at school. Which, honestly, doesn't bother me at all.

Because I'm reveling in my sorrow. I still yearn for Ryan to come back. Nothing in my life will ever make sense without him.

The only thing I'm holding on to is Ryan's last words to me. I meant just as much to him as he meant to me. But that only makes it hurt worse.

I stop wearing makeup. I don't know if I'm going to have a breakdown during school. Besides. I gave up on everything. My appearance doesn't matter anymore.

Dan drives us home everyday and stays with us until eight. He's getting a lot of time off of work because of the death. I think everyone knows he's suffering.

He told me the last words Ryan said to him. Dan was like Ryan's brother. Ryan felt awful for putting this burden on him, what with all he's been through with his parents.

I felt awful for Dan, too. He had a terrible childhood. His family is torn, and now his best friend is gone. My only hope is he loves me as much as I love him. Because if he does, then I should keep him going. Like he does for me every morning.

Every morning, for the past three weeks, I wake up, just like I used to. I go to the same bathroom and talk with Jo, just like I used to. I go downstairs and eat breakfast with Aunt Beth, just like I used to. The only thing that changed is the foreboding sense of emptiness everyone carries about them. All of us have a hole in our hearts. A Ryan-shaped hole that cannot be filled.

My only joy every day is in Dan. He comes by to take us to school every morning, and we have gotten to the point where he kisses me on the cheek. The warmth of his lips on my face gives me a reason to wake up every morning.

Every chance he gets, he holds my hand. He kisses me on the cheek before every class. His foot hooks around mine every time we sit beside each other. He tries to keep a smile on his face and be encouraging to me as much as possible. He's making an effort to make me happy. I'll give him that.

But the thing is, no matter how hard he tries, I'm not happy. Maybe I'm smiling, laughing at his jokes, but I'm not happy. I'm always suffering.

It's a Thursday, today. School's already over, but I haven't left. I've hidden myself in the school library, surrounding myself with fairytales that have happy endings.

I wonder if Dan's looking for me.

I've been here for almost half an hour. It's quiet and calming here, with nothing but alternative universes living in the pages of the books. I almost smile, thinking about how many different stories I could lose myself in. I could live in a different world for a little while.

I'm scrolling through the shelves, reading the backs of covers, imagining myself as the main character, living whatever situation the book is about.

I hear the doors to the library open.

"Maddie?" a deep, soothing voice calls.