When I was a kid, I was shy. No, not 'aw, she's so cute and shy!' It was 'is um- is she ok?' I realized, in 1st grade that I couldn't raise my hand for help. I would have to wait until my teacher saw me struggling.
Third grade; I couldn't talk to people without stuttering, without wanting to run to a corner and hide. I started failing math. When my parents noticed they told my teacher but she said if I wanted to pass I would have to ask her for help. I didn't pass.
Fifth grade; we learned about mental health. I think I know why I can't raise my hand, or talk to people. I told my parents but they just brushed it off. I don't like not being able to talk.
Sixth grade; I cried today. A teacher called on me and I froze up and cried. I get so nervous for school that I make myself puke. I tried to do my book report in front of the class but I just stuttered and cried. I had to do it in front of the teacher instead. It helps when I write though, it makes me happy. Books do too, I love books.
Seventh grade; I sit all alone at lunch, and I barely eat anyway. My arms are sore from what happened last night. I don't want anyone to find out. My teachers don't call on me anymore. I know I was right in fifth grade. I like girls and boys, but I know it's wrong. God I'm a mess.
Eighth grade; I don't like hospitals. I've been in here twice. My parents instead of trying to help just get annoyed. They think I do it for attention. Everyone in school knows now, I have a small group of friends. They help and make sure I don't do anything stupid. They raise their hands for me instead.
Ninth grade; my anxiety is still there, I still stutter and cry, my arms no longer hurt, my friends all laugh and hug me. My family doesn't seem to remember how bad it used to be. My brother still asks me why I went away. I realize that if I like girls and boys that that's ok. Writing helps a lot, I love when my friends grin and shout 'write more!' It makes me feel like I have a purpose. I still can't raise my hand, and sometimes it's difficult to talk. But that's ok, it's just how I am. And I think I'm finally ok with that.
