I don't think I'll live past twenty
When I say this, I mean it. Every time I try to think about it, it's like my mind recoils as if disgusted by what it sees.
I don't think I'll make it past twenty
I want to, but the fear of growing old is always there and I have this urge to do stupid things because my mind is in a never ending state of panic, screaming at me to do what I want while I can
I think I'll die before I'm twenty
I have tried to die two times all ready, both on purpose. I don't regret either of them. I am scarred and broken, and I have this idiotic urge to do stupid things and I'm so tired of fighting it
I have a fear of growing old
I have never wanted to grow old, I have always reeled back, my mind shouting at me to stop thinking about that. I think why I have so much fear of growing up is because to me my future is a black hole and once I'm there I can't go away and I'm floating towards it even though I'm screaming and shouting for it to go away
I won't make it past twenty
I know this. The panic won't stop but if I say I know I won't live past twenty the tics stop just for a moment and I can breathe. I think of what I would want to do, if I was to grow up. Be an author, adopt two kids, be able to grip my partners hand and laugh and say how we made it. But before I can even smile the tic is back and the happy future I had made gets sucked into the black hole
The black hole takes everything
I want to feel, I want to be stupid, I want to go out and do risky things even when both halves of my mind are screaming opposite things. One side is screaming at me to do it, to do the stupidest thing I could, while the other half is panicked and begging me to stop and I want to listen to both but instead I just hang my head and follow the panicked half.
I want to be ok
I want to be normal
I want to grow up
I want to feel
I want to be dumb
I want to feel love
I want everything to stop
I want to be ok
I want-
I want-
I want to live past twenty-
But I doubt that will happen.
