Toni was my dream girl and this is a story about her and how much I loved her.
I think I should start with where she came from. Toni was born on May 20, 1996 in a hospital in central New York. I'm told that Toni's parents were the happiest people in the world because the odds of them having kids was slim to nothing because of something that happened to her mom. They brought her home the next day and were side swiped by a drunk driver who was speeding. The crash killed both of her parents and she was spared with only minor cuts and bruises. She was then put into foster care. She was there until she was four or five before she was adopted, for the first time. She was with the family for three years and the whole time she was being sexually abused by her adoptive dad's brother who was living with them. She didn't know how to feel or what was going on but when she was with Dawlton, a friend of her dad's who would've adopted her if he hasn't fallen in hard times himself, she said something to him which raised a huge red flag. He pursued his hunch that something wasn't right and unfortunately everything that he thought was true. The uncle was charged with endangering the welfare of a child and a slue of sexual harassment charges and in the end was put away for a long time. Dawlton worked as hard as he could to keep Toni and adopt her as his own daughter. I met Toni after Dawlton got together with my cousin Ashly and we became fast friends. We were eight when we met and we had all the same interests, we loved gaming, music, drawing, and playing guns. She was really quiet and I didn't understand why but I knew she liked me. She played guitar all the time and even then was really good, at least I thought she was. We were practically inseparable and it was no surprise that by the end of sixth grade we were together. We were together for three months before we had sex and it was just awkward for the both of us. For me because I'd never taken my shirt off in front of a girl let alone all my clothes and I had no clue what I was doing. And for her because she wanted it to feel good but she flashed back to her abuse. After that we stopped talking for a week or so then we tried again and it was much more satisfying for the both of. Toni was beautiful, she was short, with red hair, freckles, and such an amazing body. We were the perfect couple, even Ashly and Dawlton said that we were and we never did break up. We went fishing together and started a band. I played bass and she played guitar. Toni was an amazing guitarist and it was no surprise that's all she ever did it talked about. She would skip school every day just to play and she would catch up on work during the weekends and whenever Dawlton forced her to but she was such a great guitar player that she would've been famous one day. Every night she would play something beautiful for me before we went to bed and I loved it. She fell in love with two song in particular, Snuff by Slipknot, which I would sing for her while she played, and Pouring Reign by As Blood Runs Black, which was a beautiful instrumental. As a couple we did everything and even on our bad days we promised we would always jam at the end of the day. We dated for two years until one day her Dawlton had to go on a business trip. She went with him to California and decided she'd go to a beach party. She got really drunk there and somehow ended up in the ocean. She drowned and I wasn't there to save her. Dawlton called me and told me what had happened and I didn't believe him at all. I told him he was a liar and that he was being a prick but then he said to me that the funeral was going to be the following Friday. I couldn't control myself and I bawled for what seemed like eternity. At first I cried tears then the tears were like blood, then I felt as though I was crying out my soul. I was utterly and completely destroyed. I didn't know how to live without her. The world was quiet without her. Music seemed to have stopped for weeks. At her funeral I gave the one and only eulogy. I confessed how much I loved her and how such talent and beauty and kindness was wasted. It was a sad day for everyone. We wanted to celebrate her life but nobody could help but feel sad. Toni went through so much as a child that she deserved to have her chance and she never did. My life ended when she died and since I have not been the same person. The socially acceptable time to truly be depressed and mourn over a loved ones loss is a little over four months but that is wrong. It's been two years now and I still cry for her and not a day goes by where I don't say her name. A great man once told me that Toni will always be so close, no matter how far away she is, even in death. I can still feel her presence when I sit and play my bass. On nights when the sky is clear and the moon is out, I can feel her reaching out and holding my hand. When I sleep I can see her smiling face. I still am saddened by her death because I think of all the beautiful music that's come out that she's missed and all the events in my life that she would have been so proud of me to have happened. I miss the days when we would lay in the grass by my pond or when we would buy a pizza from the local pizzeria and hang out at the playground of the old elementary school. What I miss most of all is her music. When she'd play, I felt more alive. Her guitar was an extension of her voice and I could sit for hours listening to her. Even now I can still hear her jamming of in the distance. I can hear her singing. It's maddening in some days and soothing on others. I would kill to have her back. Toni was the prime example of all that was good. I wrote this because our story needed to be told. People tell me all the time to get over it but they don't hear her screaming to me. Even in death our love carries on. Nothing can compare to what I had with her. I know Toni is in heaven looking down on me when she isn't shredding guitar solos with the guitar greats that she loved so dearly. People die, but real love is forever.
