I Hate You. But I Love You

I can't hate you.
I want to.
Every fiber, every muscle in my body wants to hate you.

I can't.
My mind screams at me over and over again to hate you.
But my heart never listened very well.
I can't help it.
I hate every awful thing you said to me.
Especially when you didn't want to work with me to make it better.
I can't help but feel like I should've tried harder.
I should've tried so much harder.
But at the time, I didn't want to scare you into a rash decision.
I... Can't. I. Just can't hate you.
And i hate myself for it.
I hate that I still am in love with you.
I know they say the heart wants what it wants.
But my heart doesn't know anymore.
If given the chance.
I would take your time once more.
But I would be so afraid.
Not of you cheating.
You wouldn't do that to anyone.
But of you breaking my heart once again.
I feel like my tears are wasted, because I know you don't care enough to realize how much you fucked up.
I almost want you to realize what you did so I can REJECT YOU.
But i know my mind as well as i know my heart.
And I know.
I wouldn't do that. Because I won't stoop to a level of hurting you so that I never can hold you again.

Part of me doesn't want you back..
Oh but that part is microscopic...
You hurt me in ways I thought never possible.
But you proved to me that even the best matched burn and fall to ash.
And I still can't hate you.
I hate what you did.
I just can't help but still be in love with you.
I still love you, and I truly hate myself for it.