My Wonder-wall till Infinity

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"I was playing back a thousand memories baby,

Thinking about everything we've been through...

maybe I've been going back too much lately

when time stood still and I had you

Come back, come back, come back to me"

-Taylor Swift [If this was a movie]

Always tell someone how you feel, because opportunities are lost in a blink of an eye, but regrets last for a life-time.

Say it before you run out of time. Say it before it's too late. Say what you're feeling; waiting is a mistake.

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Never in my life did I believe that someone could fall in love at a young age. I didn't have a problem with having crushes; I had too many of them and they did make me smile. I was content with that. Keeping it simple by just having crushes was a great idea in my opinion. But the idea of loving someone with passion, sacrificing opportunities and giving them everything you got just terrified me.

It did; to such an extent that I loathed real life love-stories. They just felt wonderful in books- where the girl and the guy have complications and complications, added with some more terrifying complications, but everything seemed right in the end. And that's how they lived 'happily ever after'. Perfect.

But all of this shit happening in real life?- no way! I'd rather believe in Santa all again, write letters and post it to his fake address(yes I did that till 7th grade) than even thinking about love. Why waste time on it if we're not even given the assurance of a 'happily ever after'? Sigh.

Well, this was what I thought before I met a certain someone. No, that certain someone didn't preach me on what love is, or that it did exist even among people our age. Nor did he force me to experience falling in love. And that was the real problem. He never asked me to fall in love with him. It just happened. And when it did, I couldn't even understand what was happening with me. Well, how could I? I never knew what love, or being in love felt like.

And the funny part? I realized this after 9 months of our separation. The thought struck my head soon after we were in our respective colleges; miles away from each other. No phones, no texts, no meetings. Even then, the slightest thought of him made me grin like an idiot; an idiot happily thinking about the times we spent together, an idiot regretting keeping her feelings to herself, an idiot imagining impossible things and keeping her hopes high of seeing him in near future. And that's when I started pondering over the same thing again and again; was this-what I had in my heart-love?

My thoughts were slightly confirmed during a game of 'Never have I ever'. Sounds weird, I know. When Fiona shyly confessed that she had never fallen in love before, all my other friends looked at each other, smiled and raised their hands. I being myself, just snorted. But her confession made me think hard. 

Love or not; I constantly regretted my actions. When I had him, I never let him be mine. And now that he's gone, I totally understand that what we had between us was not just being friends; it was something deeper than that. All the time I felt stupid for having these crazy, one-sided emotions running through me. While in reality, he gave me many signs-which I chose to ignore. And I myself can't understand why I did that. I was just afraid; what if I had got all the signs wrong? What if he was just being over-caring, over-friendly? The fear of rejection got me all worried. And the best thing I thought would be to keep mum and go with the flow.

I never knew that going on with the flow meant ending up hurt in the end. I couldn't help myself thinking about him all again. His captivating smile, which made me feel butterflies in my stomach-'the beautiful kind, taking flight', his ocean-blue eyes in which I could get lost and never come back, his golden-brown hair which I always wanted to ruffle, his sarcastic comments which made me pout, his flushed up face whenever he said something stupid which highly amused me, his competitive nature that made me work harder to beat him, his witty remarks and thoughtful observations, his fondness for pets, his habit of sleeping right away watching a chick-flick.....

We didn't have much in common. And we weren't that different either. We got along well, we knew each other well but we could never become something more than friends. And it was my entire fault.

I made him feel like a non-significant person in my life. But he still held onto me; the reason being unknown. I never wanted him to figure out that my feelings for him were increasing at such an alarming rate. I wanted him to take the initiative and tell me what he had in his mind already. Back then, I believed that he didn't look up at me as someone he admired. But I was wrong all the time.

He had been sending me cute mails since the day he saw me, to an email-address he had created for me. And I found about it from his dork of a friend. And that was the day I realized how stupid and oblivious we both had acted all the time. And after all these months, I wasn't even sure if he felt the same. Why would he? He tried. But I failed him.

Now I couldn't blame him if he walked away, because I never did enough to make him stay.

If only we could be more honest to each other; if we both could be brave enough to express what we really felt, I wouldn't have been sitting beside my window all alone, with a cup of coffee, staring at the moon and thinking about him, and only him.

I looked at the clock. There were just a few seconds left to strike 12. I closed my eyes as I heard the countdown began.

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"Happy New Year!" I heard all my friends scream outside, gathered near the campfire.

"Happy birthday Sterling" I mumbled to myself as I opened my eyes and continued staring at the moon.

I  still hadn't figured out what love truly is. And with him gone, maybe I wouldn't figure it out any time soon.

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A/N-Hey there! I hope you liked this chapter even if it was without dialogues and even thought it was boring. The mail idea (he sent her mails) may not seem clear now but you'll get it soon. Vote, comment and follow!

A very happy new year to all of you guys! The above song is 'If this was a movie' by Taylor Swift. It's a lovely song, do listen to it :)

Thanks for reading!

-Rachel

PS- Dedicated to RiceLover because she is a wonderful writer! I love all of her books so so much :) :D