Infinite (Troyler Works Collection)

All Of Me

Originally published Oct. 20th, 2015.

Genre: Like serious hurt and ow my heart and why do I torture people like this I'm a terrible person but also it's kind of a very hopeful ish story and things get kind of better. I wrote the first 5k like eight months ago and just found it again too so the first bit isn't as up to par with what I've been writing lately but I like it so here, have a story.

Warning: Allusions to self-harm and mildly graphic (but not really) attempted suicide.

Word Count: 8.4k

.

You're thirteen when the world snaps off its axis, twisting until it begins to revolve solely around him.

Tyler and I met in eighth grade. He was new to our school that year, having transferred from the private one on the other side of the river, and I guess I must have thought he could use a friend because the next thing I knew I was ditching the friends I already had to go sit with him at lunch.

He was grateful, I think, in that way thirteen year olds so often are but rarely show. I remember thinking he had a beautiful smile when I finally coaxed it out of him.

We became fast friends from there on, easily finding shared interests but keeping enough differences to feel like maybe we were learning something valuable from each other. The other kids didn't know what to make of Tyler with his dyed hair and lively personality, but that had never bothered me.

Besides, all of the kids I was actually friends with thought he was great and, really, their opinions were the only ones that mattered to me. My family pulled him in among our ranks pretty quickly too once I finally got around to inviting him over. It made me happy, knowing they approved of this boy I'd so quickly found myself considering a best friend.

It was so simple then, I think, to make new friends and fall easily into this routine we'd managed to form. It was simple to draw him into the friend group I already had like he'd been a part of it our whole lives. It was simple to call him my best friend and tell him I loved him and joke around and oh, God. I should have been smarter, more careful. I should have kept him at arms length or stayed away altogether.

I should have known not to call him my "best friend" because, really, I think that stupid label is the reason everything fell apart so easily.

You're fourteen when you realize his world didn't do the same.

It was our first year at high school and we were all way too excited over it. Kayla had even managed to convince me to let her dress me for the occasion, which actually wasn't as bad an idea as I'd felt at the time.

We waited for each other outside the school, the group of us huddled together and chattering excitedly about the upcoming year. Tyler was shivering in the fresh autumn air by the time most of us had finally arrived and I didn't even think twice before offering him my jacket. He accepted, of course, and I remember being vaguely confused by the fluttering in my chest before brushing it off as nerves. It made sense after all, considering this would be our first year attending high school and we no longer had the comfort of knowing for certain that we'd be in the same class.

We weren't. At least, not Tyler and I. Where I had nearly every class with both Kayla and Shane, I had absolutely none with the one person I was apparently desperate to keep by my side.

For a moment, I felt like I couldn't breathe. It took Shane telling me we had to find our English class soon or we'd be late to snap me out of the sudden haze I'd gone into, so focused on the very real possibility that I might lose Tyler as a best friend this year. After all, everybody knew people drifted apart when they weren't constantly together.