Don't Panic

The Reckless And The Brave

*10 Years Before**December 30 2005*

I know that I shouldn't be doing this, but I can't help it. When you love someone, you'll do anything to get their attention, right? I mean, of course, every rationally normal human would try to do something to get noticed. It's what we humans do best. We hunt, in order to survive. I guess that's why I do it.

I love him, but nobody seems to understand that. He tells them all that I stalk him, that I always message him. That I walk 20 paces behind him on the way home. That's not true. They also say that I when I walk around the school, it's just to see him. That isn't true either. I message him, sometimes, just to try and get him to talk to me. Well, I used to message him, until he got a new phone for Christmas. Now I can't, because he won't message me. I know this, because he's ignored all of my messages to try and get him to text me. Instead, he got his girlfriend to message me on her phone. That was a bad idea, because now I have her number. I'm not going to use it against her, or him, but if I ever receive a message then I'll know it's from them.

As I slowly pack my bags, getting ready to leave me dads and to go home to my grandmothers, I hear a bleep from my phone. As I never receive messages from people, I ignore it. Nobody ever messages me, so it was probably just Facebook with a notification or something.

I place my laptop between my clothes, just so it doesn't get broken, making sure that it isn't hot so my clothes won't burn. Placing my other clothes on top of my laptop, I notice my dad standing at the door.

"Are you ready to leave?" He asks, a hint of slight worry in his voice as I pull the sleeves of my shirt down, covering up my scars on my wrist. None of my family know I self harm, and they are never to find out. It's not something I want them to know about.

"Yes," I say sternly, zipping my bag up and slipping the strap onto my shoulder. It's rather heavy, but I'm not particularly bothered by it as I'm used to carrying heavy things. I grab my back pack, and sling the strap over my other shoulder; this bag isn't half as heavy as my larger one with all of my thing's in. I hear a ping go off, my phone. Probably a message from Michael, my best friend.

As I turn off the light, my brother runs past me with his new headphones plugged into his MP3, which doesn't fit into his pockets, so has to carry it around in his hands. Closing the door behind me, I hear my dads car engine turn on, and the slamming of a door; Josh has gotten in, probably the front, as normal. I slowly trudge down the hallway, not bothering to turn off anybody else's lights. I don't see why I should have to do all of the dirty work these days, it's not fair on me.

Besides the fact that there are only 7 days left of the Christmas holidays, I have homework to catch up on, and thing's to get ready for school. I can't say I'll go out and see friends, because I don't really have any. Except Michael, he's the only person I can trust these days. I used to have friends, like a lot, until they all betrayed me that is.

It was back a year ago, when I had a boyfriend. I loved him, so much. But it was not to be. We broke up because of his friends. They all told him I cheated on him with Michael, which wasn't true as Michael had a girlfriend at the time and I didn't even know him. My boyfriends name was Thomas, and he was horrible to me after the break up. Anyway, it was after we broke up, and I was hanging out with my best friend Jasmine - I hadn't met Michael at this time - and she was messaging someone on her phone, not paying any attention to me what so ever. It got to the point, where she wouldn't talk to me or pay any attention to what I had to say. 

So, I took her phone from her hands. She looked at me dead in the eye, and raised her hand to slap me. I managed to move out of the way just in time to dodge her. 

"Who they hell are you talking to?" I asked, anger in my voice. I was shaking, and I was getting to the point where I wanted to snap her phone in two. 

"That's none of your business," She said, her face showing no sign of wanting to tell my anything. 

"If you're going to be like that, then I'll just check your phone," I said, opening it up, and going straight to her recent messages. She attempted to take it from my grasp, but failed as I spun around to face the other way. Scrolling down, there was only one name I could see written there in the contacts, for the last 2 weeks. Constant messages. It was Thomas. 

"Thomas?" I exclaim, tears beginning to appear in the corners of my eyes. They've been constantly talking, no wonder she runs off at the middle of lunch time. She's seeing him. Out of all people, it had to be him. "How long have you been seeing each other?"

"Since you and him broke up..." She say's, lowering her head. 

"Bullshit, this has been going on for months. Some of these messages date back to May! Why would you do this to me? You knew I loved him!" I scream at her, tears pouring down my face. I look down at her phone, and hold the two sections of it. She attempts to grab it again, but I have snapped it in two by the time she could have taken it from me. 

"Alex, please, you don't understand!" 

"No," I say, taking a step back, throwing her phone to the floor, "I think I understand this perfectly well," 

As I walk off, towards the bus station, she is screaming my name. I ignore her. I have nobody. I literally have no friends, and nobody to trust. Of all people, why Thomas? What was it about him that she liked? Why did her like her?

So many questions that will never be answered. I will make sure everybody knows exactly what kind of people they are. I no longer care what they think of me, they can go and shove their opinions up their ass for all I care. I want nothing to do with them ever again.

As I sit in the car thinking about it, I realise that I did the right thing. I wouldn't change what I did for a single minute of my life. I don't regret it either. I wish I had done more than just written a status about the thing's that he did to me. In some ways, I wish I spent longer exploiting who he really is and what he really can be like. But then again, I am happy with how far I have come, although I still want to talk to him sometimes. 

In some ways, I am that after that day I vowed never to talk to Jasmin again. I didn't want her to ruin my life any more than she already did. I didn't deserve to have her go after my ex boyfriend, even when he had a girlfriend whilst him and her dated. It's kind of funny actually, because he apparently cheated on his current girlfriend with a boy. 

In all honesty, I couldn't care less for either of them any more. I'm in my final year of school now, and I plan on making the most of what little time I have left. I want to make sure I revise enough for my exams, and make sure that I go to all revision sessions and twilights that come available to me. I'm doing to take advantage of them this year, and I don't want to make any more distractions.