Midnight Musings

12/31/15

For most of my life, there was nothing I wanted more than to finally get to high school. I couldn't wait to arrive at new trier. I wanted my future, despite the depression. But last year, when it got so bad that I was cutting everyday, eating basically nothing, and having suicidal thoughts everyday, nothing scared me more than the prospect of high school. I didn't want to go.

I didn't see the point, not for me. Thinking back on last year, it was a clear thought in my head that I didn't want to make it to my eighth grade graduation, let alone the second half of my freshman year of high school. So when somebody took the time to notice I was slipping and took the efforts to pull me back up, I never knew if I was thankful, relieved, numb, or stuck, or more upset. Morbid, & crazy, I know.

By some twist of fate, I didn't skip out on life, not last year, and I haven't this year. I haven't checked out, or given in, or faded away, and I can't say whether or not I'm happy about that. Yes, things have definitely changed for me, many changes that have been kind & good, but I've still only taken small steps that I know will eventually lead to big ones, but that I'm getting impatient.

And the future still scares the shit out of me. Because I want it. I want to graduate high school, go to college, & follow my dreams. But at the same time, I don't. There's still a part of me that wants to check out, give in, & fade away. I'm not saying I'm going to commit suicide or anything, I'm not.

I'm just saying tomorrow is 2016, I'm almost a sophomore, and I still don't know how to live in joy with total eagerness, anticipation and happiness towards the future, and that it still scares me because sometimes I don't always know if that's what I want.

•4:51am