My Poems and Such...

Impossible to understand.

This isn't a poem, but I need to say this..

It's nights like these, where I wake up at 3 am and can't get back to sleep. I toss and turn and then I can't help but think these awful things. Sometimes it's a battle of "I'm not good enough for him" other times its "why do these people even consider me a friend? If they knew who I was late at night... They'd run for the hills, screaming" or "I have to change myself, that's the key to everything, if I was this different person, they'd love me so much more."

I can't help but constantly think, I want to be smarter, more attractive, skinnier, easier to get along with. I want to change everything about me. I want to be someone you aren't humiliated to be seen talking to! I want to be someone who doesn't make you look bad! I want to be someone you don't secretly want to hide from the world. I don't know if you really feel that way or not, but sometimes I feel this way. Especially in the early hours of the day when I scare myself by overthinking this.

I don't know why I do this to myself, and what's even worse I don't know who to talk to when I'm like this. How do I even begin to explain this mental war I'm going through anyway? How can I explain it to you? How Do I tell you I'm insane? The only thing I do by trying to find an outlet is make people see how crazy I truly am. They see who the honest me is.. And they don't know how to react, except for to leave.

I know you're going to read this.. The guy who I'm talking about knows who he is. I'm so sorry I don't come to you with these things. I don't know how. I'm so insecure that I'm already not good enough for you, that I don't want to push my luck any farther. I don't want you to wake up and see how much damage I could cause to you. I don't want you to say "She's not only fat, a smoker, an ex-cutter, an ex-drunk, she's also so mentally fucked up that this just gives me another reason not to speak to her ever again."

I know that's not who you are. I KNOW it's not.. But in my mind I can't help thinking that. I love you with all my heart, but I wonder, do you ever see this broken and scarred girl? Underneath that fake ass smile I plaster on for everyone? Maybe you do, since you've been in my shoes, I know you've felt this way too, like there was no way out, no one to trust, no one would miss you if you were gone, right?

I don't understand any of this, I just needed to get it out. I don't know who I can really trust to talk to about it, but I swear, don't mistake this for fucking attention seeking.

This is me. The raw and unseen version of me.

The girl who aspires to be, one thing; Perfect.