Every day is war. I feel like I should die every day. Nothing will ever change how I feel, only what I choose to do with that feeling. I don't sleep and when I do the nightmares terrify me and traumatize me. When I wake up from the hellish dreams I can't get up from bed and life seems hopeless. The first battle is just mustering the will to crawl out of bed. Nothing seems like it matters. I'm worthless I say to myself. I know that there is so much to look forward to in life and that so much good has happened but I have to work so hard every day just to be able to live with myself. To others I seem normal but in reality I am a master of internalizing and compartmentalizing my emotions and my life in general. I know how to react to every situation and how to fake emotions so well. I know that I feel happy but I also feel a deep knowing pain inside me that overrides any other feelings. I know what I should feel but it's not what I feel. I always feel sadness, angst, pain, even if I'm laughing an having fun, the pain never goes away. I only feel emotional extremes which I rarely come across. I mostly don't feel anything, I feel nothing, I feel dead.
