Brave Reborn (OUAT/Peter Pan Fanfic)

Chapter 38

(Pan's POV)

The sun shone brilliantly and the virescent colour of the spring day under its glare was offensively bright and cheerful. It was as if they conspired to show me how the world would go on without her. It should not. Everything should be as grey and foggy as my emotions, it should be cold and damp with silent air. But the birds still sang and the flowers still bloomed. I walked through the forest like a silhouette of myself, wishing I really was as insubstantial as the shadows so that my insides might not feel so mangled. As I took a pew near the front the long held back tears began to flow. I was not ashamed. I loved her. Now she was gone a light had been extinguished forever in my heart. I sat in my silent grief and awaited the start of the funeral service.

My throat and chest were cinched up, forming a hot burning tunnel leading directly to my aching head. All my worries and thoughts seemed to flow so fast around in it that it pained me physically. I could not even tell what half of it was, really, but that most important question ached in my mind so much that I was forcing herself reluctantly to look. What if it was true? I assumed, at first, it was a hateful nightmare, but now... 

I looked over the coffin, the tension being built up. 

The coffin gleamed in the early morning light that streamed through the trees. It was expertly crafted not to bring comfort to the departed but to soothe living. It was built with love to be the final resting place of one who had been so adored in her lifetime. It's faux-gold handles and polished sheen helped to reduce our trauma to wracking waves that were, at least, more manageable. We had to see Merida in something of beauty, something that showed what she had meant to us. We laid flowers on the top that would be placed on the gravestone, everything beautiful to hide a reality our hearts could not bare. 

But the tension was soon forgotten. Nearly everything was. All that seemed to exist was the one image, it was indeed true: Merida was long dead. Her body was in the coffin. No one else can ever copy Merida's beauty, even if they tried.

I could not tell what happened first; the everything seeming to drop out of my mind, or the horrible chilling numbness that was making its way up my spine. I breathed in gasps, but really it was a miracle I was still breathing at all. 

"Merida..." 

It hurt me already to say her name; ten days ago I would have been content to have that name in my heart, alive, forever. 

Doubtless what I felt was a pain, but a different kind than any I had known. Anxiety was rushed and heavy with thoughts and words—this was just like drowning, slowly, freezingly drowning in my own disbelief and hurt. Why? Nothing else existed in my mind, not the past, not the future. All that seemed to come to me now—fragile mind was just the one word: why? I could not even make tears come, I knew they would come eventually. But this shock right now, I would have rather broken all of the bones in my body than feel this.

I surveyed the way we placed Merida. And do not let me started on how we dressed her. It was like everyone wanted to torture me about her death. Merida was the symbol of elegance in that glass coffin. The lustrous, chiffon fabric of her dress glinted, light reflecting from the sun. It fit flawlessly, the dress molded her torso beautifully, complimenting her feminine shape. The gown draped past her toes, slightly drifting from her legs. It was the color of lavender. Its strapless style revealed her precious collarbones wrapped in smooth, luring, skin. Her posture was perfect, her shoulders were pulled back and her hands were holding the flowers. It was almost like the light above was beaming directly on her, and nothing else mattered. 

The key necklace that I gave her so long ago was still on. I did not know if it was a part of the outfit, or that Arista was unable to take it off. Either way, it almost made me smile. The shiny silver key dangled on the delicate chain. The mysterious and magical piece of metal graced her neck with it smooth circular surface.

The spot that I choose was a clearing in the middle of the forest. It stood here now was eerie. I had once played in it when Merida was still alive. I looked at it now and continued to weep with the new memory forming.

Only four people came to the event. The people Merida only cared about: Hubert, Felix, Arista (maybe), and I. That whole day became from bitter to depressing. The funeral was all black clothes and white waxy faces, every one of them with puffed red eyes.

When most of us were capable of producing words, we started the eulogies. The first one was Hubert. He walked up near the coffin, eyes redder and puffier than his hair, and began:

"Merida was the best sister you could ask for. When we were little she would go out of her way to keep us happy. I know she didn't always want to play with us but she did because she loved us. There wasn't a sweeter sister then Merida and she will be sorely missed. When we were growing up, I thought she was the coolest thing in the world. I wanted to be just like her. When she came home, if I was still up, she would read me a bedtime story. A lot of big sisters wouldn't do that for their little siblings, but she did. We were lucky to have such a giving sister who believed that spending time with family was just as important as anything an older girl had to do.

Hubert paused for a moment to swallow a threatening sob. Then continued, "Her life was cut far too short, but during her time alive she touched so many people. Her memory will live on in all of our hearts forever. Merida, we will all miss you."

Almost immediately, Hubert came down, sat next to Arista. 

Then Felix went: "Merida and I were paired up a few decades ago to spy on a drunken pirate ship. Before that, we were betrothed to each other. Merida was never the kind of girl who wanted to be dependent on a man. She was never the damsel in distress, but she always the knight who fights the dragon.

"Merida was a prankster and enjoyed laughing and making others laugh. She always had a smile on her face and could brighten the darkest days. Merida would always have a joke or funny story to tell whenever I saw her and I loved her positive fun-loving attitude."

Afterwards, Arista: "I only have limited memories about Merida. We never got the chance to be so close due to unexpected occurrences in our paths. We grew up with separate lives. We saw each other only once. All I knew Merida was a magnificent archer and a loving sister. Merida gave her last breath for me. She touched me to sacrifice for someone she loved. It was hard to accept that someone's life must be taken in order to save those that meant most to them. Beautiful Merida, thank you for the light that you brought unto this world. As you watch down upon us, as you shine in the sky at night and dance in the breeze that kisses our faces, know in the depth of your soul, that you did real good."

Finally, I went: "Merida was a girl nobody can replace... at least not in my heart. She had been in Neverland for one century, three decades, four years, seven months, and eighteen days. Yes, those first few months were not all that happy. We struggle with each other's flaws and imperfections. Her stubbornness and my ignorance. We would fight all the time, day and night, about the dumbest subjects. We were both against each other as allies. Soon, with patience and calm communication, we both overcome that. 

"I am a broken boy, my better half is gone. But I can still see her in the face all over Neverland, and that gives me a little comfort. I see her eyes in the sky, crystal clear blue-shimmering and always gives hope of a new day. I see her hair in the sunset, impossibly bright orange-red colored my world a sparkling gold. I hear her giggles in the waves on the beach, they seemed to disappear for a while only to build up and break to the surface once more. She was beautiful both inside and out, and when she smiled at me I felt alive. 

"I was truly blessed to have her as my friend—no, best friend—who loved me and that I loved so much it hurt. I don't know how I am going to make it without her, but I know she is up there telling me to suck it up. I am trying to, but it is hard without her here to keep me on track. I know that everyone here loved her and is going to miss her sweet face as much as I do."

I felt emotionally bankrupt. The was nothing left to feel, nothing left to say, nothing left but the void that enveloped my mind in swirling blackness.

I quickly walked off and out of the clearing. I went to the best place to be alone, the ocean. Her giggles can drown out the weeping of pain. I cried until there was nothing left inside but a raw emptiness that nibbles at my insides like a hungry rat. My irises were threaded scarlet and my eyeballs hung heavy in their sockets. My whole body hung limp like each limb weighed twice as much as it had before and just moving it about was a slow, painful effort. The sun still shone in the sky, but not for me. The birds sang in bursts of melody, but not for me. For me, there was no beauty left in the world.