September 22, 2015
Tuesday
3:28 am
I thought it was already the hardest peak of my life.
I didn't know there will be something harder. What had I done to deserve all this hurting in life? What did I do?
When I thought it hurt the most, something always comes in to shatter me more. No matter how much I try to forget him, I always remember him. The more I push him away, the more his face reminisces on my mind.
But there was the certain time, when I was already broken, but he stepped on me more.
"Kim Taehyung isn't breathing anymore."
What has Kim Taehyung done to me?
I should hate him. But why did I fight with all my might the doctors that I thought didn't pinch an effort to save my dying love?
Why did I want him alive?
It was that night. I was on my usual scenario of my broken self. Crying my heart out before I see the sun rising again. I had insomnia which desperately stops me from sleeping.
When I received a call.
It was Park Jimin. Taehyung's best friend.
"Jaehee? Jaehee? Are you there?" His voice cracked at the mention of my name. He sounds so panicked, like when you thought you lost someone.
"Hmm?" I hummed in response. I thought I couldn't hear him at first, as for my thoughts were still focused on Taehyung.
"Jaehee. Taehyung is in the hospital." And then I felt my heart literally shatter. "You have to come now." I did not wait for him to finish his sentence. I ran.
I ran despite the ajar wound in my feet that had been a sign of my sorrow from that day he left me. I ran. I ran until the rose-pink dawn had entered the scene. I ran. I ran until I could.
I ran despite the tears flowing on my cheeks.
I ran. I ran for Taehyung.
I was panting the moment I arrived on the emergency room. More tears started flowing down my face as I saw the love of my life, lying down, so helpless. He was at the peak of his downfall.
He was going to die soon.
My Taehyung is going to die soon.
I ran beside him, cupping his face. "Taehyung! Can you hear me? Taehyung! You can't die! Don't leave me alone!" I uttered as I shook him. The people around me started dragging me away from him.
"No! Don't touch me! I won't let him stay like that when he's on the verge of dying! I still have lots of things to tell him!" I hysterically moved my arms around, trying to remove their grip on me.
"Taehyung! Wake up! Have you forgotten? We still have to see the stars together? We still have to try bungee jumping together? Remember? Taehyung! Do you hear me? Wake up!" A tear escaped his eyes and went down slowly on his cheeks.
"Jaehee, I-I l-love you."
The beep had echoed around the room.
His hand once lying on his sides were now hanging loosely beside the bed.
On his left hand was the ring he was clutching so tightly.
He was no longer alive.
"Taehyung..."
"Don't leave me.."
"I love you, Taehyung.."
And with that, the tear that had flown on his cheeks were dried. Within that short period of time, I had realized my weakness. I had realized that maybe, everything was a challenge between our love, and maybe, I hadn't shown enough love to save him from dying.
I lost him.
My one and only Kim Taehyung.
+++
I found it hard to open my eyes in the morning.
I had been crying so much, my eyes were all puffy and red. I felt a pang of guilt as the scenes from yesterday replayed on my mind. Jimin had explained to me every single detail of Taehyung's death.
It was long ago around April 2015, when Taehyung had found out he had a stage two cancer of Leukemia.
Taehyung, being the nice guy he is, never let me knew about his condition. He didn't want me to worry about him and so he decided not to tell me. When his cancer had spread throughout his body, he knew it was time for him to let go of me. He didn't want me to end up getting more hurt when he dies. He thought letting me go was the best idea for me to forget him easier. Even though it hurts him, he decided to let me go that afternoon, leaving me broke.
He suffered alone. But Jimin never left his side. He knew everything about Taehyung, all his favorites, his plans, his thoughts. Nevertheless, I was more than thankful to Jimin, for he took care of my Taehyung well. Jimin said he once thought of telling me about Taehyung's condition earlier, but Taehyung had begged him not to.
Jimin had told me Taehyung's last words before he was rushed to the emergency room.
"Jimin, Please take good care of my Jaehee. Thank you very much for everything."
And with that, Taehyung's breathing got slower, until I came and bid my last words. I still remembered every single word that came out of Taehyung's lips.
"Jaehee, I love you." Those four words had replayed in my mind for so long, I thought it would never stop haunting me.
I cried more on my pillow, snuggling it, imagining it was Taehyung. I had wore Taehyung's favorite hoodie that he gave me over the last summer. It still had his faint scent, which killed me more. I missed Taehyung. I missed him so much.
I am regretting my whole existence as for I wished I could just die and be with him up there.
"Kim Taehyung, you bastard! Why did you lie to me?" I snapped at the teddy bear, which Taehyung had given me as his birthday gift.
"You should've told me everything! What happened now? See! I'm crying everyday! I hate you Taehyung!" I buried myself in the teddy's stomach, hitting it repeatedly.
"Kim Taehyung, you bastard!!"
