As I sit here, breathing, I'm reminded of those who aren't. The ones taken too soon, the ones who circle through our thoughts and rot our souls. As I lay here, I think of him. That smile, those eyes. Behind those eyes was a sadness no one would ever know. Behind that smile was a million grimaces, a million tears, a million heart breaking words that crushed and destroyed the smile. They killed him a thousand times just by saying simple words.
As I lay here breathing, I think of those words crushed him, broke him. Unseen tears were shed, what boy would cry in front of the ones who would just feed off it. The ones who want it. Who need to see those tears to survive to know that they matter. Hurting someone and seeing their tears makes them feel alive. He didn't give them that satisfaction; he gave them a much worse alternative. He gave them the knowledge that they had murdered him. That they caused him to end it all, that they were the cause of his end. They were the cause of his last breath, they were the cause of the pain that is now throughout his family.
As I lay here breathing, I think of him. I think of the pain he left in my heart, in my soul that now rots and lets me know that he is gone. That I could not save him, that no matter how much I loved him, my love did nothing. No matter how much I tried to help and push him in the direction of those who love him, he was like a ghost and walked right through me, like I was nothing. Like I didn't matter to him. If I can't keep the one I love alive then what is the point for me to even be here? What is the point!
As I lay here breathing, I slowly begin to feel like I am nothing. Like I thought he loved me, I thought he needed me, but no he left me in this cruel harsh world. If only I had just done something, but no, I couldn't. I couldn't figure out what was wrong until it was too late. Until you had already left me. Why did you leave me. Why did you leave me? Why did you leave me! I never once left you, I never once wanted you to be alone. I wanted you to know I was always there when you needed me, a shoulder to cry on, a friend to laugh with. I was your girlfriend that one that loved you, and your soul.
As I walk around breathing, I remember your smile that would make me feel like everything was ok. I remember your smile. I remember that day in the hall where some guy had called me an unwanted misfit, and you step in and got suspended for a week. I brought you ice cream that night and your mom was so proud. I remember that day we were going to lunch and I forgot I didn't have money, but you paid for my food, just so I could eat and not have to go hungry. I remember the first day I saw you, you were with your friends at a bar. Too young to drink but you were playing pool with them while I played pool with my friends. I remember the way you watched me, and now you get pissed when some guy watches me play.
As I order a drink, still breathing, I remember how you didn't want me to drink alone. How you told me the only time that I could drink was if you were with me. I remember how you didn't want me to go to the bar alone. You didn't like the way that the guys were watching me. Or the fact that some brave ones would walk up and ask me to play just to watch me bend over. You didn't like my friends I hung out with down there, considering they were trying to set me up with one of them, one who lived closer and could see me more but I didn't want him I wanted you.
As I lay here breathing, I remember the pain I felt when I heard you were gone. I remember the tears running down my face as I fell to the floor. I remember the feeling of wanting to let go and join you, then I remember how you wanted me to fulfill all my dreams, I remember that too but I wanted to do them with you. I remember the breaking in my heart and the shortness of breath when your family came up to me and told me, when our friends, when they all walked me into the counselors to hold me, and wrap their arms around me. I didn't want them, I wanted you.
As I sat there breathing, inside the counselors, I look at all the unhappy faces. Then I saw theirs. The ones who caused this, who made this possible. I screamed telling them they didn't belong amongst those who are mourning you, they did not deserve to feel pity because they caused this, they made you do it, they broke your smile that I loved, they took away your laugh. They did not deserve to hear the sorry's like we were. They didn't lose anything, but their victim. They lost their victim and now they need to feast on a different kind of broken, the kind that they caused, the pain of mourning. They're glowing as they feast on it, while we are pale faced, with red eyes sunken in.
As I stood there, breathing in the hot air from the showers, I watch as the mascara runs down my face in the mirror. My eyes an angry red, my hair stringy. I remember you telling me I was beautiful when I cried, but even more beautiful when I smiled. I remember your caring words as I felt like I was falling down a black hole. They helped me, you were like my guardian angel here to save me. You were my savior and I couldn't save you.
As I lay here, breathing; my hair is wet against my pillow and I remember how we were talking about our future. College, jobs, house, and children. We were talking about a family. How you wanted a baby girl, with sweet little curls, and my eyes. I wanted a boy though, I wanted him to look just like you. I wanted a family with you and now I can't have that. My future got stolen away from me. Our family is now nothing more than a dream.
As I sit here, breathing waiting on the doctor to come in and see me. I remember that day that you said you loved me. I remember that you were basically babysitting me at a party. I was drunk but I still remember. I fell but you caught me, you looked straight into my eyes and told me that I was lucky you loved me so much or you wouldn't deal with my drunk antics.
As I sit here breathing, I am knocked into reality. There is a tiny life living inside of me, our tiny life. You aren't here, you aren't here to help me. This is our tiny life that is swimming around inside of me now. I can't breathe, I need you here to help me. I can't do this on my own. Our family just became my family, because you aren't here to help.
As I lay here, breathing, I lay my hand on the bump that now makes it to where I cannot see my toes. I have felt them kick. Yes them, we both go our wish. Twins, one boy, one girl. They move around and play and kick. I wish you were here to see this, to watch them to help me figure out what to do. I don't want to go through this alone, but I love our babies more than anything in the world. Just like I love you.
As I lay here, breathing, a scream rips out of my throat as our babies come into the world. Their eyes are bright and shinning. The boy is first, I hear him. Tears are streaming down my face, then I hear our girl. I see the boy, I see the girl. They're the most beautiful children in the world. She as those curls you were obsessed with, and he has your eyes. They are gorgeous.
As I sit here, breathing, I watch them as they run around. You've missed so much, their first words, their first steps, their birthdays. I know you were here though, watching them from up where you are. I'm sure you've already told grandpa about them, you're both probably watch us all. Smiling down on us like a rainbow.
As I lay here breathing, our beautiful twins and their children surround my bed. My face is wrinkled, and stretched, my eyes hold a sparkle of life. I always wanted you by my side, but our children are just as good. Before I breathe my last breathe, I want you to know. I never stopped loving you, I never married, and I never found another man who made me feel the way you did. Our children have grown up, and have had children too. You should see them, one looks exactly like you. He's named after you too. Tears have always filled my eyes when I've seen him smile. I want you to know the things I have learned growing up, and being without you.
1. I still and forever will love you
2. It's going to hurt no matter what
3. Our children have your sense of wonder
4. Life is never the same after someone decides to leave
5. Just keep breathing
