Before I start this out I want to state something. It's not what you think. I am five months pregnant, four more months until I get to hold my soon and I couldn't be more depressed.
I have tried to deal with it by
A) crying silently so no one can hear me
B) trying to keep myself busy with people around me constantly
C) googling information about depression during pregnancy.
And I can tell you there's nothing that I can find. At least not during pregnancy, after pregnancy they have just everything you could think of. Blogs, support groups, celebrities with postpartum. During? Nothing.
I am working a job i suck at because the work load is light and I hate it. I am so used to waitressing and carrying heavy trays to tables and serving food. But recently I haven't been able to.
Recently I haven't been able to do a lot of things. Sleep next to my fiancé, be with my dogs, find a place to live, go out so I can be a normal human being, and not feel like I'm broken somehow.
I'm depressed, during a time I've always been told is the best time. A time where I get a baby, and a family, and my heart is supposed to full with joy. But honestly? I want to cry 24/7. My body is doing weird things and I hate. I already had such low self esteem when it came to how my body looked. Now I'm supposed to just get huge like everyone says I'm going to and not see any issue?
I've come out to one person about my depression. And it felt like he didn't listen. Just flipped it back onto how he was depressed, like mine didn't matter. It wasn't until I said I wanted to blow my brains out, did I even get an I'm sorry and an it'll be ok.
Remember what I said? Earlier in this story? It's not what you think, no I don't plan on killing myself and harming the one thing I tried for so hard, and prayed for day in and day out. I am depressed, not heartless.
I want to die, but I have too many things I need to do. To many bedtime stories to tell, too many tuck ins, too many sleepless nights, too many I love you's to say. Too many first days of school that I wouldn't want to miss for the world, and too many I love you too's I don't want to miss..
When I say I'm depressed I mean I don't sleep as much as i probably should at night but I sleep all day to make it go faster, I'll sit in a room alone, no lights on and cry until my skull pulses. I won't say anything when people around me plan on going out and don't invite me because I'm pregnant and it won't be fun for me anyway. I only cry a little now when my fiancé goes out without me knowing I feel like this, I guess I'm getting better in a way? Or is that worse? I want to talk to my doctor, but idk how to bring up the topic of I don't want to be here, but I'm not leaving.
It's really not what you think, I'm not going to randomly snap and jump off a bridge, or shot myself in the face with a gun. I don't want to die per say, I just don't want to be here. Surrounded by people who seem happy, I'm not going to assume though; you never know what's going on inside someone's head.
Did you know I'm pregnant with my dads first grandson? Three granddaughters and I pop out the grandson. That's another reason I don't want to leave, I want to hear about them getting into crazy shenanigans and driving my mom crazy, I want to see my son grow up with his cousins. I want my son to know my family the way I want him to know them. I want him to know my love and wonder why he wasn't good enough.
I want to have more babies, I want my son to have little sisters to defend and protect and be their knight until theirs comes along. I want a big family, and I can't leave until i know they're all ok.
Like I said it's not what you think. I'm not going to overdose on pain medication, or hang myself, or slice my arms up until I bleed out. I'm not going to jump into the river with weights on my feet and no air in my lungs, or turn my car on in a garage and sit and wait.
I plan on staying, I plan on fighting through.
It's not what you think
