It was 3am on a Friday night, and of course I was home alone. The only thing keeping me sane was my best friend Alan, who would speak to me every night until one of us would fall asleep. The majority of nights, he would be the first to hang up, since I struggled to fall asleep each night.
"Don't you ever get tired?" I could hear Alan yawn. 3am was pretty late for him, he loved his sleep.
"Yeah, just not as quickly as you do." I laughed. That was obviously a lie. I sometimes went days without sleeping, no matter how tired I was.
"Well I'm going to sleep. Goodnight!" Alan was always cheerful when he talked to me.
"I might as well, goodnight!" I hung up the phone. I hated lying to Alan, especially because I know he would never lie to me. In the ten years that we've been best friends, he's never found out that I throw up almost every night, and that I struggle with depression, self harm, and insomnia. I wanted to tell him, but I never had the courage.
I ended up getting no sleep that night, partly because of my insomnia, and partly because of the fact that it was scorching hot. Alan was coming over at around lunchtime, which sucked because that means that I would have to wear a hoodie. This was why I hardly saw him in the warmer months, because he was quick to get suspicious about these types if things.
Anyways, it was almost 11am, so I pulled on some black jeans and a plain white hoodie, then I sat behind the computer drinking tea until Alan arrived.
"Hey, Eb!" He almost shouted my name, which was a much shortened version of Ebonii-Rose.
"Hey, Alan." I hugged him when he came inside. I always loved hugging him, since he was much taller and really cuddly, because I could bury my face in his chest. It felt safe.
"So do you want something to eat?" I asked, leading him to the kitchen.
"Sure, thanks!" Alan helped me make him a sandwich. "Aren't you having something?" He questioned. I blanked for a second, but answered him as casually as I could.
"I already ate." I forced a smile, but he looked suspicious.
"Okay.. Rude." He joked, but I could see he really was unsure.
Alan and I talked about a lot for a while. Mostly about his band. He'd gotten back from a world tour only a few days ago, and he was leaving again in a few weeks. It sucked that he couldn't be around longer, to see his friends and family.
"I can't help how long the tours are. I know it sucks sometimes but it's something I love to do." Alan played with the TV remote that was next to him on the couch.
"I know, I'm just gonna miss you." I sighed, twiddling my thumbs. He put his arm around me and kissed me on the head.
"I'm gonna miss you too. But I say we enjoy the time we have." He gave me a smile, and we were silent for a few moments.
"Aren't you hot in that hoodie?" He pulled at my sleeve and I quickly grabbed his hand before my scars were revealed.
"I get cold easily." I murmured, trying to seem normal. I let out a yawn, and Alan looked at me uneasily for a few seconds.
"What's going on, Ebonii-Rose?" He almost whispered, looking me in the eyes. I knew there was something wrong when he used my full name.
"Nothing at all. Why do you ask?" I smiled, but I knew there was no hope anymore.
"The jumper, the lack of sleep, rejecting food.. I know somethings wrong. Your eyes have gone grey. We all know that means you're sad. Tell me what's up." I could see he was legitimately worried, so I had a debate in my head on whether I should tell him or not. I ended up having a panic attack right in front of my best friend. I started shaking, crying, and cursing all at the same time. It was awful.
"Woah, Ebonii just breathe, okay? Calm down. It's okay, breathe." He tightened his grip around my shoulder and allowed me to cry into his chest, even though his shirt was getting wet.
When I'd calmed down, Alan wiped the remaining tears from my face and rubbed my back soothingly, taking his arm away from my shoulders.
"So tell me what's up." He said, turning in his spot on the couch so we were both cross legged and facing each other. I told him about my insomnia and depression, but I couldn't handle telling him the rest. It was enough just telling him that.
"But I still don't understand why you won't eat, or why you're wearing a hoodie when its such a hot day." he said after I'd told him.
"I thought that was obvious.." I whispered.
"Oh, Eb. You don't.." He put his face in his hands, and I started crying again.
"I'm sorry Alan, I'm so so sorry." My breathing was getting heavy.
"Just talk to me if you ever want to hurt yourself again, okay? You're my best friend and I don't want to lose you. I love you, okay." He kissed me on the head and held me in his arms.
"I love you too." I murmured, hugging him.
The next couple of weeks went by really quickly, and before I knew it, Alan had to be back on the road again. I stopped by his house to help pack his stuff and say goodbye.
"I'm gonna miss you so much!" I said, hugging him before his band arrived to pick him up.
"I'll miss you more." He sounded upset.
"Hey, Eb? Promise me you'll stay safe while I'm gone. Talk to me every night, because I want to know you're okay." He held my hands in his and looked me in the eyes. "Promise?"
I sighed. "Yeah, okay. I'll try." I smiled quickly at him, and we stared at each other for a few seconds.
Then Alan planted his lips on mine. I didn't pull away. We kissed until Austin arrived and tapped Alan on the shoulder. He gave us the thumbs up, and Alan flipped him off. God, I was going to miss him.
"I love you. I'll call you every night, okay? Hey your eyes are blue! Happy Ebonii-Rose." Alan smiled at me before letting go of my hands and getting in the car.
"I love you too." I smiled. I was so happy to finally be with him.
