I never thought that I would do this. I mean i don't like to talk about what happened. I really have no-one to talk to.
I feel responsible for something that happened to my niece. She is my niece by marriage but still my niece. If i had been straonger then nothing would have happened to her. It's all my fault.
I guess you might want to hear the story first. Of course afterwards you'll know how come i feel this way.
When i was 8, my nightmare started. I was molested by my cousin. He is 8 years older than me, he was 16 when it started. At first it was just a touch here or there. Eventually it became more. He was always welcome in my home, which meant he basically had full access to me whenever he wanted. He would make me touch him and play with him. I hated it, I wanted to throw up. He would come to my room in the middle of the night. I was the only girl in my family, so i didn't share a room with anyone.
He molested for years. When i was 12, he decided that i needed to know how to have sex. He took my virginity one night. When i look back, i think how could I have been so stupid, I could've yelled. My parents would've heard or one of my brothers, but I didn't. He raped me that night and told me that he could have me anytime he wanted. I knew this was true. I hated being in the same room as any man or male. I thought I was going to die that night, it hurt so bad. He continued to rape me for 8 more years.
When i was 14, I met a wonderful guy, or so i thougt. I'll call him Tim. Tim was wonderful at first. He was a true friend. He finally asked me one night what was wrong. I told him about my cousin. He was so helpful, he told me anytime i needed him to call him and he would be there. We stayed close for 2 years. When i was 16, i thought about killing myself so my cousin couldn't hurt me anymore. He had started to rape me anally so that i wouldn't get pregnant. I thought the pain before was bad but it was nothing compared to being raped anally.
Tim was the there to talk to me and when he realized i wanted to kill myself, he told me I had to stand up to him. A few nights later my cousin came into my room and was going to rape me again. I had hide a knife and i told him if he came near me i would use it. I felt awful, I'd never threatened a another person before but I was happy I had did it.
I started dating Tim after another year. At first things were great. He treated me great. Then things started to change, at frist he would get jealous over nothing. Then the hitting and eventually he started to force himself on me if I said no. I eventually got strang, it took me 3 years to dump him but I did it and I was so happy. He stalked me and would threaten me but I didn't let him scare me. I stood up to him and it was then that I knew I'd be alright.
I know now your wondering how that has anything to do with my niece. Well my cousin tried to force himself on her. He touched her and made her really uncomfortable. I feel that if I had told someone then that would've never ahppened to her. What's even worse than that is that he lives with my brother and his wife. They have 2 small daughters, ages 5 and 1. I'm afraid for him to be there wioth them, but I'm even more more afraid that if i tell what happened to me, that no one will believe me.
I now have a wonderful husband that knows about the abuse. He was the one who told me what happened to my niece. At first he did't want anyone to tell me about it. When is een her for the first time after it happened I knew something was wrong. I asked her and she told me. When I started crying she had no idea that it was because i could've saved her that pain, but I was a coward.
Thank you for letting me tell my story. I would like to talk to someone. If you want to talk to me please e-mail me or im me. Thank you again.
