the things unsaid

"Look at me again," she insisted.

"Sorry, what?"

"In the eye. Look at me. Just do it." Oh. He looked tired, so, so tired...and so much older.

"What? What is it?"

"How long has it been for you since you last saw me?"

The Doctor cleared his throat, "Oh, I'm not sure."

"How long?" He should know that she could when he was lying.

"I was stuck on a place. They--"

"They what? Who? Who are we talking about?"

"They wanted something from me. Information. It really doesn't matter," he looks down.

It does matter. It matters to me. "What happened to your coat? The velvety coat. I liked that one. It was very Doctor-y."

"I changed it."

"Why?"

"Well, I can't be the Doctor all the time." The grooves click as he presses on them. "I think I've almost got it. I think this is it."

"Tell me what they did to you. Tell me what happened to the Doctor?"

He looks up at her. "Twenty feet of pure diamond...but you break through anything, given time."

"How much time?"

A voice behind her, "Miss Oswald."

"Stay back." She grits her teeth.

"I'm sorry, but we have to find a way to extract you," the general says.

"I said, stay back!" Her voice is loud now. "The Hybrid, what is it? What's so important you would fight so long?"

The Doctor shakes his head, grey hair bouncing. "It doesn't matter what the Hybrid is. It only matters that I convinced them that I knew. Otherwise, they'd have kicked me out. I'd have had nothing left to bargain with."

"What were you bargaining for?" Clara asks.

"What do you think?" He looks at her like it's so obvious. "You. I had to find a way to save you. I knew it had to be the Time Lords. They cost you your life on Trap Street, Clara, and I was going to make them bring you back. I just had to hang on in there for a bit."

"How long?" She needed to know. She needed to know how long, how long he suffered because he was trying to save her.

"It was fine," the Doctor says.

She stands and turns. "One question. And you will answer. How long was the Doctor trapped inside the Confession Dial?"

"We think about four and a half billion years," one of them responds. Clara's heart drops, and bile gets stuck in her throat. Oh, God.

The General pipes in, "He could have left any time he wanted. He just had to say what he knew. The dial would have released him."

"Four and a half billion years?" Clara's talking to the Doctor now. Her voice cracks and wavers. She couldn't believe them.

"If she says so."

Clara blinks and drops to her knees, voice hushed. "No. Why would you even do that? I was dead! I was dead and gone. Why? Why would you even do that to yourself?" She cradles his face in her hands.

"I had a duty of care, Clara. Listen, I'm nearly through here. If I'm right, there should be a service duct under here. We'll be able to get to the old workshops. They'll have Tardises there."

"Okay, you listen. I have something I need to say."

"We don't have time." He pushes her arms away.

"No, my time, my time is up. Doctor, between one heartbeat and the last is all the time I have. People like me and you, we should say things to one another. And I'm going to say them now." She moves closer to him, so her words aren't heard by anyone else but him.

"Clara--"

"No. I've listened to you talk and talk about how your screwdriver doesn't do wood and that time can't be rewritten and how you can survive alone. But look at you. Look at you." She rubs her right thumb under his eye. "You're broken, and I can't bear to see you broken."

"Clara, I assure you that I am perfectly capable of being alone. I am perfectly capable without you."

"Oh, shut up. You suffered for four and a half billion years because I was dead. I wasn't worth it, and you know that. God, I hope you know that I wasn't worth that." She's crying now. She's crying, and the Doctor is staring at her like she's a kid who can't even tie their own shoes.

"Clara..."

"I wasn't worth it, Doctor."

"You were worth it. Do you think that, I, the Doctor, who could've been saving worlds and suns from burning up, would've gone through the Confession Dial for four and a half billion years just because I wanted to? Clara, don't be an idiot."

She laughs. And laughs and laughs. "You're the idiot, idiot."

"We're both idiots."

Yeah, I'm the idiot for falling in love with you. She doesn't say it, but oh God, she wants to. She still has so much she wants to say. "Doctor, I--"

"Clara, we're running out of time."

"You're the Doctor. Time is your speciality."

"I certainly won't argue with you on that."

"I have to tell you something."

"Clara, there's so much I would like to tell you, too, but time is running out. You're not supposed to be existing in this world."

"Well, maybe you shouldn't have tried to save me for four and a half billion years then."

He shakes his head.

"Doctor..."

"Clara." He looks at her, and her fingers tremble as she clutches onto his shirt.

"Doctor," she breathes. "I..."

"You don't have to."

"I do."

"I don't want you to." His eyes meet hers, and every part of her breaks.

"I love you."

The Doctor stares at her. "Clara..."

"You wanted me for four and a half billion years. You saved me. I love you, idiot."

He hugs her. A hug is just a way to hide your face.

And she understands.