Painful Regret

Finish :*

April 26, 2002

"Do you like me Bae Suzy?" the ten-year old Myungsoo asked me. We were in the playground then, just a few blocks away from our school.

"No." I shook my head without even giving the question much thought. I swayed my swing harder to the point that I can almost reach the sky.. I looked at Kim Myungsoo. The boy who always sat next to me in class. Kim Myungsoo.

"You're bad. And I don't like bad people." I said. I don't mean bad as in---evil. Just bad, bad. He always teases me and makes fun of me. I get irritated to it at first, but now...hmmm. I don't know. Maybe I got used to his childish pranks. It doesn't bother me anymore.

I heard him chuckle at my response.

"Just keep it that way till we grow up." he said. Confused by what he said, I stopped swinging.

"What?"

He smiled at me then swayed his swing harder than I did.

"I said---you can't like me." Myungsoo looked at me. "You must promise me you'll never like me Bae Suzy." huh? I furrowed my eyebrows.

"What are you talking about?" I asked once again but he didn't answer. He just smiled...which eventually turned into a gentle laugh. His silence made me even more curious. I asked and asked him that whole afternoon but Myungsoo did not utter a single word.

* * *

I never knew what Myungsoo meant that time. I actually didn't even understand what he meant when he asked if I like him. It was the age where liking someone means asking him/her to ride the other side of the seesaw with you and saying 'I like you' means voluntarily sharing crayons during art class.

No complications.

No unanswered questions.

But it seemed like the eight succeeding years I spent with him can really make a change...A change even I didn't expect.

I feel exactly different from how I felt that day at the playground. Everyday, I become more and more aware of Myungsoo's existence. I am more aware of his presence now that it's scaring me.

August 13, 2010

"Ya! Bae Suzy, are you even listening to me?" he snapped in front of my face to get my attention. Oh crap!! Was I staring at him for too long? It's lunch. And just like how we always did, we are eating at the giant steps at the old gymnasium of our school. I was sitting one step below him.

"Y-yes..of course! Me too...I like h-hotdogs the best.." I let out an awkward laugh. Praying and hoping that it was hotdogs that Myungsoo was talking about. I actually didn't understand a single word he said. I was distracted...d-distracted by his eyes...

He just stared at me which made me concious so, I looked away and sipped a huge amout of my melon milk---which was a mistake since I was planning to drink it slowly. Melon milk is my favorite.

I was surpised when I heard him laugh. A genuine laugh. A laugh which almost made him fall off the steps.

I made a face and looked at him.

"Why? Why are you laughing?" he continued laughing for a while before facing me. I gently smiled. I like the way his laugh sounds and the way his eyes smile whenever he does. Just watching him laugh makes me laugh too.

He pushed my forehead.

"It's not hot dogs but stray dogs." he chuckled. "I was talking about stray dogs." he smiled and pinched my cheeks.