Regret

I see him as i walk in to the bistro, he's deep in thought i can tell because he's got that look, the one he always has. I know what he's thinking, he's thinking he's let me down but i know he hasn't, of course he hasn't. That's me isn't it? I am the one that's let him down?

Then he sees me of course he does, he just comes out with it, i wasn't expecting him to say it, he has no reason to but this is Nick i'm talking about. "I'm sorry". He's sorry? "I'm a terrible fiance". The words hit me with such force it feels like my heart has dropped to my stomach, it makes me feel worse than i already do, if that's even possible, i'm not sure it is.

I want to tell him what i have done, i need to tell him but how? How can i tell him something i know will destroy him? I can't even make myself say the words "i slept with Robert" just the thought makes me physically sick.

I always knew i'd hurt him, that's when the words ring out in my head, the words i told him not that long ago "i will hurt you in the end you know?" I wasn't sure how, but i knew i would. But i never imagined that this would be why. He told me he'd take his chances, but should he really have to?

Robert? How could i of gone there? What was it i said before? "It's the drink" but that's not really an excuse is it? When i said that before to Nick it was different, i don't know how or why it just was, it felt right.

He hugs me then tells me to take a seat and he'll bring me a drink, he doesn't even bother to ask what i want because he just knows, the same way he knows what my favorite food is. That's when Robert brings it out to me, i have to smile as my eyes catch Nick's across the bar, he looks so happy how could i tell him and destroy his happiness? But then how could i not tell him?

I looked up but Robert was now there, i'm disgusted, disgusted in myself for what i have done, so i look back at Nick, he's smiling of course he is, he's always smiling. It makes me feel weak, weak for him.

Then he says something i wasn't expecting "how is it possible that you're such a pain in the backside, but i feel like the luckiest man in the world?" I tell him maybe it's just the magic that is me, but i know that's not true, i'm the lucky one. Lucky to have him. I tell i'm not sure he's the luckiest man in the world, but the daftest for taking me on, but he just replies with "i love rollercoasters, me" and then he kisses me and to show just how much he meant it, not that he needed to prove anything.

I feel i should tell him to strap himself in because this is going to be one hell of a ride, but maybe this is one rollercoaster ride he shouldn't have to endure, but could i really break his heart now, after everything?