Sleeping With Death

“Death ends a life, not a relationship.” -Mitch Albom

"For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one." -Kahlil Gibran

"Life and death. They are somehow sweetly and beautifully mixed, but I don't know how."-Gloria Swanson

   Life always had a way of surprising me... It feels like it was just yesterday that the love of my life was some how killed in a car crash on his way home. The car was parked. How is it that out of all five men, he was the only one killed?

   That night, I stayed awake for hours. Crying in my pillow, trying to imagine what could've happened. Is it cruel to wonder if he died in vain? If he watched his arm get torn off? Even if it is cruel, my mind wouldn't shut the vivid imaginations off. I sat there. Tears streaming down my face as my heart rotted and turned black.

   At the funeral, I couldn't dare look at his family in the eyes. It wasn't an open casket funeral. His body was too disfigured- I assumed.

   It's been almost four years since his horrid death.  

   Unlike most 24 year old women, I don't go out to party with my friends. My friends probably forgot about me. I don't go out to movies. I don't go watch concerts or go to the club to party. I sit here with my messy blond hair, that over years of not cutting, it over grew and dangled down  to my hips. My once vibrant blue eyes seemed sad and gray. Life less. I didn't bother to put make up on. 

   Everyday, I was alone in my small apartment. A daily routine formed in my life that consisted of getting up and taking a long shower. Then I threw my long hair into a messy bun and watched movies on Netflix. Sometimes I would go out to go buy new clothes, but that was when I had the decency to get out of my apartment. 

   The only thing that forced me out of my apartment was running out of food, running out of hygeine products, or work. Work was walking distance since I sold my car. I didn't need a car. I worked at a little corner store that was quiet and clean- Fancy Dollar. It had cheap things. I usually bought everything from there. My boss was a large, grimy man. Him and the rest of the workers- Which are all men, always sat around talking about World of Warcraft or Lord of the Rings online. They were probably the only social life I had. 

   Admit it, you think my life is depressing and boring. Well, at least you're not living it. My life was gray. It was colorless and bland. 

I just can't wait to see what life has to throw at me next... Maybe... Death?