Hopeless But..

It starts here

Can't believe I just turn 17 year old, old enough to do what I please hmm don't think so.
My mum and dad are pastors that made me a pastor's daughter obviously, been a pastor's daughter /Christian was a hard job. I would sayer there were things that I had to do to fit in to the name "a good christian" Had to make sure I reflect what I believe in, had to dress in a way people were comfortable with. My life is complicated I know.
People alway told me they look up to me and want to be like me all because I was a pastor's daughter, every time they mention those words out of their month it alway like a sunny day been turned into a wintry nightmare my heart stops and all I can do is put up a smile that over shadow my desolation.
I alway have conversations with my self... Yeah I do, I know what you are thinking.. Am not crazy I promise.
I started talking to myself when I was 14year old, I believed that I had no one to talk to after my brother pass way, he was just 11 year old he was my best friend and was the most annoying person I ever get to know, he would always come to my room at night to turn on my light because he know there is no way I would sleep with my light on and he knows I am too tired or lazy to get up and switch the light back off.
he was the only one that gets me, the only one that would tell me truth even when I don't want to be told.
There was a time he was so annoyed by me and I was laughing at him and he asked me
"what is funny? with is face turning pink
"I laugh because you're my brother and there is nothing you can do about it"
given him my favourite face 😝 as he walked away.

Peter was his name.. Yeah Peter, my dad named him pater because he alway believe Peter was going to alway be the the followers of Christ and he was going to be a preacher telling people about Christ and how beautiful GOD is..
Peter love to talk, he was the bold one when I was the sky one who alway would reserve my comment. He was just a boy who loved life and he made me have a reason to live after what happen to me...

Peter was just 9 year old when we noticed he has excessive sweating especially at night, he was always complaining bones pains and headache, we noticed he alway has unintentional weight loss. It was just the beginning of the symptoms of LEUKAEMIA.

When he was complaining of some of the symptoms all we did was prayed about it because we believe GOD is the best Doctor.

Peter had a very height levels of white blood cells, because the cell are abnormal, they are unable to fight infection therefore Peter develop frequent fevers, his shortage of red blood cells called anemia cause him to feel so tired because he was not having enough blood platelets that cause him to bleed and bruise easily.

Peter was alway positive no matter what news he was told, my dad alway told him to believe and have faith that he is going to come back home.  I new it was not okay because he was getting worse night by night, he was alway weak  because of all the drugs he was given.
When he saw me at the hospital  all he told me was.

I miss you annoying you'

I said nothing all I did was a smile that hides all my pains I was feeling at that moment, all I wanted to tell him was that "everything was going to be alright but in my mind I know it was not.

Sometime people say they love you and that they will never.  Leave you but it a lie, they will because they don't have the power to save you. I love my brother so much I will do any thing to save him but I could not save him from the pain he was feeling and that hurt.