Let It Go

Chapter 1

Jess's P.O.V.

      "Jess! Jess! Jess wake up!" James's panicked voice yells. I open my eyes but it's hard when you eyelids feel like weights trying to keep them closed.  I look around and realize I'm in James's truck and I'm upside down. I feel all the blood rushing to my head.  I felt a headache coming on, I tried to look where my name was being yelled and saw James at least I think its James I can't really tell because everything's so blurred.
      "James" I whispered.
      "Jess oh thank god you're awake! You need to unbuckle yourself and get out now!" he yelled. My vision started to clear up.
      "James what happened?" I said realizing that we were upside down.
      "Jess I'm sorry I'm so sorry." I felt the pain of my seatbelt digging into my stomach so I reached for the seatbelt and tried to unbuckle myself it wasn't working I didn't stop because it was too dangerous to take my time I needed to hurry.

Finally after multiple tries I heard a faint 'click' all of a sudden I was falling I didn't prepare myself for it so I landed on my head. I groaned but got up ignoring the pain in my head and all over my body I crouched at bit because there was no room for me to stand at my full height. I got to James and looked at him, his face was all bashed up, some blood was coming from his mouth and he was crying I looked up at his stomach and saw that the steering wheel was making it impossible for him to move I looked down at his face
       "James what do I do?" I asked panicked.
He smiled at me but it wasn't a comforting smile it was a sinister smile I was confused when all of sudden his face turned to anger and James started yelling at me
      "Why didn't you save me!" BEEP BEEP
      "Why didn't you help me Jess!" BEEP BEEP
      "James what's that sound?"
I look around and everything starts fading away but James is still yelling. "I needed you and you left." BEEP BEEP! —My eyes open and I sit up quickly and look around, I'm in my room. 

      "Why didn't you save me Jess?" I look around for the voice but I don't see anyone.

      "I needed you and you just left me! I hate you!" I realize it's in my head.

      "Why did you leave me?"

I squeeze my eyes shut and grab my head for some reason thinking it'd stop the voices but it doesn't work I scream in frustration "Stop!" hoping I'd be met with silence instead the voices get louder and louder.

I look up at the stars on my ceiling, my 'dad' painted, remembering when I had nightmares or I was stressed or for whatever reason, James would come lay on my bed with me hold my hand and tell me to focus on the stars and to breathe. He'd start counting out loud and tell me to join him and together we'd count them from the bottom left of my ceiling to the top right. I asked James one time why we counted them that way he told me if we went from the normal top left to the bottom right I'd be easier to count them because it natural to do it that way but doing it the opposite has me thinking more and focusing on that rather than my reason for freaking out.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6... 35 my breathing is back to normal but my heart feels as if someone has a hold on it and is squeezing it in their hands like it's a stress ball. This isn't anything new though, this always happens after I wake up I've had that dream a couple of times since the accident, and every time I can't help but blame myself for everything.

I've been told over and over that I should disappear, leave, dissolve, evaporate, cease to exist, to be no more...I've tried maybe that's why I'm not dead maybe I'm being punished for what I did and my punishment is to live, breathe here on Earth where I'm hated and left with my thoughts that destroy me more and more every day.