How To Subdue Bullies

How To Subdue Bullies Part 1: The New Kid

Brian popped up in his bed, his alarm going off, signaling the start of a brand new day. He lazily dropped out of bed, rummaged through the colored myriad of his clothes, found something to wear, and brushed his teeth. Now, Brian had a proclivity towards obsessively brushing his teeth, not stopping until his mouth was tinged with the red hue of blood. However, due to his obsession, his breath activated the olfactory organs in such a way that it created a musical symphony of scent for anyone who happened to smell it. His breath was so pure, clean, and fresh, that from one sniff, it could turn a melancholy person into the happiest human alive. As Brian walked into school that particular day, something strange happened. People asking to smell his breath no longer crowded him. "Hmmm," said Brian to himself, "This makes me feel odious right now."

"Hey, Brian!" called his friend, Josh. "Come hear this!" Brian walked to where his friend indicated, where he saw the entire school gathered in a circle around one kid. This kid's name was Dylan, and he had brought his favorite instrument to school that day: his bagpipes. When he played, it created a terrible cacophony that echoed down the halls. Everybody started laughing at him, asking for more.

"Stop it, guys!" shouted Brian, and his breath shot perfunctorily into everyone's noses, almost hypnotizing them. "Dylan is just trying to show his talent, and you guys pick on him? Do you realize how hard it is to play bagpipes?" All of the kids stared at him with blank faces, still stunned by his breath.

"Now go to class!" Brian shouted, and everyone dispersed, not a single quibble emerging from the crowd.

"Whoa, how did you do that?" asked Dylan, unaware of Brain's "superpower."

"Oh, I have many guiles up my sleeve," said Brain, leaving Dylan standing in wonder. Brian returned to school the next day, only to find the kids picking on Dylan again. "I guess they just feigned being hypnotized by my breath," Brian said, again encountering the crowd and trying to stop them from teasing Dylan. Brian knew that bullying could be insidious, driving someone insane to the point of depression, or sadly, even suicide. Dylan seemed like too innocent of a boy to be introduced to this magnitude of bullying. Therefore, Brian vowed that he would stop the kids' tyranny once and for all. That day, Brian did not brush his teeth at all; in fact, he ate stinky foods all day, trying to smell up his breath. "This will teach them," he thought. The next day, Brian strolled into school with certitude that he would stop the bullies.

"Okay, everybody, listen up!" shouted Brian, sending a stinky cloud of odor into the crowd. Everyone reeled back in disgust, as they had not expected the sudden change in events, of course none of them being prescient. Brian then walked up to people and started blowing in each of their faces.

"Do you feel how uncomfortable this is right now?" shouted Brian with ferocity in his voice. "This is how Dylan probably feels each day returning to school. So stop your bullying now! He has to live with this constant odiousness!" Everyone turned and ran, and promised to leave Dylan alone. From then on, no one dared to mess with Brian, afraid of his venomous breath. More importantly, Dylan was never bothered again, and was later recognized as the best bagpipe player in the entire school.