I used to blame myself. I adhered to this rule that if anything went wrong in my life; it was my fault; regardless of the situation or predicament I was put in. My grandfathers death. I'm not going to pretend, it tore me apart and for months I blamed myself even though I was powerless to control what was going on at that stage. You can ask me, go on. Why did I blame myself? That's the question I'm still trying to answer. Councillors believe that the harsh treatment and discipline inflicted on me by my parents caused me to believe that I had to take responsibility for everything and that every bad thing that happened in my life was my fault. Well, I guess I could believe that... It's just, sometimes I wish there was a different answer. I mean; nobody wants to admit that their parents are no good.
So, my life... where do I begin? It's horrible... I've even contemplated suicide a few times. I mean, it's not ideal but sometimes I feel like it's the only way out. The only way I can achieve peace and serenity. I've spiralled into this dark place and finally I can say, it's my parents fault. They put so much pressure on me to be this perfect little girl, to be faultless and anytime I wouldn't meet there expectations, they would beat me; and I don't mean the occasional "slap on the wrist"; I mean full-on belt "slashed around your face" beat me. It was simply painful. I felt the burns and scars. I saw the blood leak from my back. I was in agony; it was also emotionally painful to watch my parents mercilessly hurt me day after day despite the onging pain I was in. I mean; what type of parents would have the heart to do that? They watched the tears stream from my face and not one time did they hesitate to bash me. 52 hours of councilling. 52 long, hurtful hours. That's how long it took for me to finally understand that it wasn't my fault. You see, they indoctrinated me... they led me to believe that everything was my fault and that I deserved those beatings. My mum would always say "you left me with no choice" and at the time, I genuinely believed her but now I realise every mother has the choice between looking after their daughter and beating them to a pulp. Anyway, horrible memories lye in my old life; memories so severe; that I literally have the scars to show them. Never mind that though; I have a new life now in a new house with a new beginning....
.... TO BE CONTINUED.
