For weeks, maybe even months, I focused on my studies. I made a couple of acquaintances, but no friends, as no one could possibly replace Sass and Kim. I also talked to Beck a lot after that. We found out a lot about each other. Unfortunately for me, it turned out she lives in Australia. On the outside, things seemed to be moving on pretty steadily, but on the inside, everything was going downhill.
Since leaving Shetland and Sass and Kim, I had entered a depressive state. To begin with, it was small, nothing worth worrying about, as I assume most things are when they first start out. Some nights, I was getting upset, seemingly for no reason. On these nights, my appetite left me and I didn't want to do anything. Even go online! So I just lay on my bed, staring at the ceiling until I fell asleep, extraordinarily early. My parents noticed I wasn't eating properly and decided for some reason to get me a puppy, something I'd been asking for since the age of five. He was a German Shepherd, so when he's fully grown, he'll be able to put his paws on my shoulders. That's why I love big dogs; they give proper hugs. Naturally, I called him Pudding, and of course he slept on my bed with me at night, but as much as my parents hoped and prayed, he didn't help my eating issues or my depressive state.
Over time, my depressive state got gradually worse. After the sadness had increased, I started having lapses I called "episodes". Theses would occur when I was particularly down and I would hear voices that I didn't recognize. Except they were in my head, telling me that my parents moved because they hate me and don't want me to have fun or see my friends. They also said that Kim moved to LA because she was sick of the sight of me. She only pretended to be my friend to make me feel better because no one could ever be friends with a nerd like me. And Sass? Well the voices told me that she was paid to be my friend by my brother who hates me so much he moved into a flat with his girlfriend. I haven't spoken to him since he left. Of course he writes to dad. Apparently he has a daughter now.
Every time I lapsed, the voices got nastier. That's when I started to self harm. First, it was a way to get rid of them. A few cuts would shut them up, but then it became ineffective and it was more like punishment. I started to believe what the voices were telling me and I was punishing myself for being a terrible loser. Soon enough, I didn't need the voices to make me feel like shit. I felt horrible all the time, and if I had a particularly bad day, I went home and cut.
All the time I was still talking to Kim and Sass and especially Beck. Beck was the only person my voices hadn't targeted, so I trusted her more than I trusted Kim and Sass. Then one day, I found out that some relative who'd moved to Sydney 6 years ago was getting married, and we were going to the wedding. I told Beck about it and she was really happy because she lived right around the corner from where we were staying for the wedding, so we arranged to meet up, even though we knew it wouldn't be for months. A couple of days later, Pudding got ill.
It was normal routine, wake up then have breakfast. Pudding loved breakfast! He always woke me up in the morning for breakfast, but this one day, it was different. Pudding didn't want breakfast.
"Morning Pudding." I yawned sleepily, expecting him to stand up at my bed and lick my face like he normally did. I was prepared to bet him away, but he didn't do anything. "Pudding?" Worriedly, I slipped out of my bed and sat by his side. "Come on Pudding, it's breakfast! You love breakfast." Slowly, he moved his heavy head to look at me, then dropped it back on his pillow. "Come on boy." I called, after standing up and walking away from him, trying to put enthusiasm in my voice, as I opened my cupboard and pulled out the box of dog biscuits I kept for emergencies. Hopeful, I threw one to him, but he simply laid there and stared at it, with no attempt to move. "Pudding, what's the matter?" I asked, putting away the biscuits and sitting next to my dog. He placed his head on my lap and we just sat there for hours, with a dog biscuit in the middle of the floor. Pudding didn't move an inch, so neither did I.
Later that day, some time after noon, my mum came into my room. "Kal, is everything okay? You've not been.." she stopped mid-sentence when she saw that I was sitting on the floor with my dog.
"Somethings wrong with Pudding." Mum came into the room and knelt in front of Pudding, putting her hand up to his nose. "Mum, what's wrong with him?"
"Try giving him some water, his nose is dry."
"Will it fix him?"
"If he's still like this tomorrow, I'll call the vet. Just make sure he eats and has some water."
