All I Want Is You

Okay, so I sat down tonight and was messing on VH1.com and found this old U2 video. This was one of my all-time favorite songs, and I just had to put a story to it.

I watched the two of them together, holding hands as they walked towards the hotel, looking very much like a couple in love with my lonely arse trailing along behind. Why had I been so stupid? Why can't I ever admit how I truly feel about someone? If I had, it would be me in that bed at night. It would be me waking up to see those gorgeous eyes sparkling, hearing that infectious laugh that warmed my heart every time I heard it. Instead of confessing my feelings, I bottled them up and now I was faced with the loss of the one person who had meant more to me than anyone ever had. No one I had ever dated had even come close to the level of love we had shared. Now, as I watch them disappear into the confines of their room, I could feel my heart breaking yet again. I turned from the door of my own single room and slowly made my way downstairs to the nearest pub, intent on drowning my sorrows in a bottle of whiskey, just like I had every night since we split up.

Glancing at the clock, desperately trying to focus my eyes, I realized that it was well after midnight and my inability to focus was more from the lack of sleep than the alcohol. Truth was, I had barely touched the bottle I'd brought back from the corner liquor store. I grabbed the bottle of water that sat in front of me, and trudged to the sitting area of my suite, flinging myself on the couch. I turned on the TV, only to turn it back off again. I stared at the remote in my hand and flung it across the room, letting out some of the frustration of yet another soured relationship. I didn't know how much more I could take of this. It took all I had not to march over there and confess my feelings once and for all, but I knew it would do no good. I was too late and my chance was over. I got up from the couch and paced back and forth, fighting the red-hot tears that threatened to fall. I wouldn't let them though. I am not a crybaby. I don't show those kinds of emotions. It makes me look weak.

Who am I fooling? I fell to my knees, unable to hold back the emotions any longer. I sobbed loudly as the tears flowed freely down my cheeks. Why do all of my relationships end up in disaster, and why am I always the one left in shambles? I finally struggled to my feet and trudged across the room and cracked open the bottle, downing several large gulps. It wasn't long before the numbing sensation of the alcohol flowed through my veins but yet I could still feel. The pain in my chest was still there, and I knew nothing would take that away. Nothing short of death would stop the hurting. I thought about ending it all that night; I thought of going into the bathroom and taking a knife and slitting my wrists. It wouldn't hurt any more then. I couldn't do it though. I didn't have the courage. I was too much of a chicken shit. That, and the thought of leaving behind Mum, Dad and the friends I had was just too much. Instead, I sat in the middle of the floor, surrounded by the echoes of my misery.

I must have cried myself to sleep or passed out in the floor because I woke up on the bed, the warm and plush down blankets draped over me. I don't remember getting up and doing that. I opened my eyes and tried to focus on something. The first thing I saw were those eyes, shining full of intensity and concern. I tried to smile, but all I wanted to do was cry. I don't want your pity! I want to scream. I want you to love me. That's all I've ever wanted. I guess I wasn't good enough, because you ended up with someone else. Why didn't you give me a chance? Did you think I didn't care enough? Were you worried what someone would think? I never cared about any of that stuff. I just wanted to love you and you to love me. I guess that was too much to ask. My inner monologue was interrupted by a soft voice filled with distress.

"Are you ok? I heard him ask. I nodded my head slowly, and sat up. I had to fight off the urge to just shove him away from me and scream at him to leave me alone, but that was the problem. He had left me alone, and now I was dying inside.