I'm Not Beautiful

This is for my cousin, I hope you always remember that you are beautiful no matter what.

(co author: Senna Benalcazar,  I love you)

(and yes, this is about Bulimia)

I’m not Beautiful

I wish I could feel accepted

And glow in the worlds eyes

I just want to taste,

To touch

A bit of perfection

To feel the confidence that

Comes with the envy of others

And the tears of girls who want

To be like me

But I’m not model thin

I do not have perfect structure

I weep in my room with

Couture magazines

Whose models are at least size zero

Sticks in expensive makeup

They cover my bed

Knowing the truth

I’m Not Beautiful

I curl my fingers

And plunge my nails into my palms

Waiting for the tears to dry

Counting the calories I ate in my mind

Too much

I ate too much

I decide as I grab every bit of fat on me

I’m fat

Disgusting

Gripping the edge of my nightstand,

I try to stand, putting behind my fear

The world blurs

I sway, hesitating

Fat, Disgusting

I repeat

Spewing hateful words at myself

Tearing and trembling

Tripping over every step I take

I close the door behind me

And there is the toilet

My stomach sinks

Staring it down I whisper

I’ll be closer to perfection

To beauty

Two fingers down my throat

Eyes stinging

All I feel is relief