She's American {Matty Healy}

2 // look! he's having a breakdown!

{matty}

Stage fright was not my thing. I wasn't about to sit backstage with my heart racing and my hands shaking because I was nervous. No fucking way. Instead, I enjoyed my time before gigs with the boys of the band, sharing drags off a spliff we passed around. Once I opened a bottle of wine to bring with me onstage and grabbed a guitar, I was ready to go.

Through the closed doors of the green room backstage where I sat alone I could hear the crowd filtering in. The din of their voices speaking over the music in the venue—a sketchy club—grew louder and louder. They were beyond ready for the show to begin, and in all honesty, I was starting to get sick of just sitting around. Nevertheless, we still had to wait for the official start time for the show.

The door to the green room opened, and in walked the rest of the band—George, Adam, Ross, and John.

"Hey, you're back," George remarked, coming to sit on the old couch next to me.

I shrugged. "Yeah, I've just been here for a while."

Ross lit up a spliff. "How was your walk?"

This brought a smirk to my face as I recalled how wonderful my exploring of the city was. "It was so fucking good," I responded. "I met the most beautiful girl."

That received an eye-roll from Ross. "Of course you did."

"I'm not joking! I invited her to come tonight. You'll see. She's great."

George snickered at me. "You literally just met her, Matty."

I shrugged, reaching a hand out to motion to Ross that I wanted a drag. "We had a connection," I told them, which, as usual, was received by a chorus of laughs.

I would have tried to explain myself, but there was really no point. We all gave each other shit, but there was absolutely no way that the rest of the guys would believe me, no matter how much I explained the interaction I had had with Stella. And in reality, all I could explain was what we said—which wasn't too exciting—and the way she made me feel—which was exciting, but not altogether different from the way other girls have made me feel in the past. It was useless to try to talk to them about Stella, at least at this point. So I just gave up and waited for it to be time for us to go on stage.

Without an opening band on this leg of our tour, the crowd was extra antsy. The roar was intense as I walked out onto the stage for our very first show in the U.S. ever. George started the opening song with a beat as the lights changed to fit the mood. I sang, working my way around the stage and eyeing up the crowd.

She had to be there. She had to be somewhere in the crowd. My eyes scanned the very back, expecting her to be nonchalantly sitting at the bar or something. But she wasn't there. She wasn't anywhere, not that I could find.

The song ended. The lighting changed. The guys expected me to say something, but all I wanted to say was her name. All I wanted to do was call out to her, to see if she was there at all and maybe I just hadn't found her.

I glanced over at Adam, mouthing for him to just go ahead and start the next song.

He raised his eyebrows, unsure and probably a little bit worried about me.

I just nodded at him, taking a step back from the center of the stage to grab a swig of wine from the bottle I had back by George's drum set. Honestly, I could have downed the whole bottle right then and there. But I put it down. I had to perform, no matter who was in the audience.