Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like,
To hold a gun against the head of a worthless person,
The worthless person being myself,
And no,
This is not a metaphor,
I want to be inspiring,
I want to love and let go of the past,
But I can never do that if I keep a grudge the size of a mountain burried deep in my chest,
Waiting to come out,
I act like it doesn't bother me now,
But in reality,
The sad truth about myself is that,
I want them to feel what its like,
To wanna rip their own hearts out,
Like they do to me,
And I am ashamed of myself for that reason,
I tell myself I'll never be like then,
But sometimes I think I'm worse,
It's that grudge that I hold in my heart,
Waiting to envelope me in pain and bitterness,
Like shivering in fear of the dark as a child,
Laying in bed waiting for that monster to eat you alive the moment you fall asleep,
And sometimes I think I want them to feel that,
But,
I can't be that cruel,
I can't put anyone through,
What I've gone through,
'Cause,
I know how it wears on a person,
I know the fake smile,
Over gritted teeth,
I know the demon screaming behind their eyes,
Because I've felt that,
I've walked that walk,
It's a hole,
You crawl your way out,
Than they push you back in,
Every time you take a step up the hole just get bigger,
And they continue to throw more dirt over you,
And bury you deeper,
And deeper,
A battle of oppression and lonliness,
Keeping quiet,
But wanting to scream,
Wanting to release the way you feel without the risk of standing out,
So you find ways to get that release,
Singing,
Drawing,
Running,
Me?
I write,
I write to hold back that real release,
To hurt them,
Like they hurt me,
So I sit back,
And in detail,
Write it out,
Grammatical sentences,
Spilled out onto blue lines,
Letting out,
Pent in Anger,
Regret,
Sorrow,
Whatever it may be,
But it keeps me sane,
If I even have that,
Sanity,
My conscious is wearing thin,
I'm getting to where,
I don't care anymore,
So if I let out a last breath,
Staring at the moon,
Would it matter to anyone?
Will it make an impact?
Or will my last words be a forgotten melody with time,
Crashing into crescendos,
Lost in the moment we realize,
Is any of this worth the risk?
I don't know the answer,
And that's why I still try,
I wanna meet a boy,
And change his life,
I wanna meet a girl,
And help her see another day,
And if that's what keeps me from letting go,
Then God help me hold onto it,
With my tightest grip,
I refuse to go,
As another helpless person,
Staring into the sky,
I wanna go as someone who,
Gave their all,
But just fell a lil short
