I Need U

[pt. 2]: Spectators

"Dear Y/N,

I must start this letter by saying the inevitable, although I'm sure it's the last thing you want to hear right now.

I'm sorry.

I hope you hate me, maybe even more than I hate myself as I am sitting here by the kitchen table writing this letter to you, as I can only watch as you soak your pillowcase with the tears of a broken girl every night since that day.

That day. I shudder by the mere thought of it.

I wish I could say it was as unexpected for me as it must have been for you. I wish I could say I didn't watch as my best friend poured his antidepressants into his palm and stared at them for what seemed like eternity. I wish I could say that I did more to prevent the ensuing events than just telling him, "Yoongi-ah, don't do this. I need you, (Y/N) needs you. Don't be so selfish." I wished I could say that I gripped his wrist so that he couldn't toss that overdose of pills to the back of his throat, and swallow it quickly in one gulp.

But I can't say any of those things because I didn't actually do them. I didn't because I'm a coward, a coward who is just as selfish as he was, a coward who is in love with you.

I love you.

There, I said it.

Is that a surprise for you? Does it surprise you that your boyfriend's best friend is hopelessly in love with you? It certainly surprised me. I remember the first time I started to notice the way you pushed your hair behind your ears so it wouldn't fall in your face as you watched him read to you. I remember how much it hurt.

It seemed like life was playing a cruel joke on me, on you, on him, on all of us. You still didn't talk back then, yet you were willing to devote your whole afternoon to simply sitting next to him and listening to him read you novels. And he was willing to carry those thick pages to and from school everyday in his backpack for you, just so he could stay under that pomegranate tree for a couple hours everyday with you. He did that for you, someone who complained even when his mother told him to tidy up his own room did that for you. But you know what's the funniest part of all? I watched all of that happen before my own eyes. I held my heart on my sleeve for you as I also sat under that same tree listening to him read alongside you, and you shattered it into smithereens without even touching it.

You didn't even touch it.

I don't blame you, really. After all, one can't control their own feelings when they are spiraling frenziedly down the narrow path of love, can they? You couldn't help falling in love with Yoongi, the same way I couldn't stop myself from falling in love with you.

But I can't admit that it didn't almost break me every time I watched you sneak glances at him from the corner of your eye, your cheeks flushing so prettily. I can't say that it didn't hurt when I would walk back home with Yoongi from school with theafternoon sun beating against our necks and all he could talk about was you.

You must be wondering why I never told you, right? We weren't strangers after all, hell, we weren't even acquaintances. In fact, I think my biggest accomplishment in life was being able to call you my best friend too, and being able to grow as close to you as I was with Yoongi. But let me ask you this, why would I? Why would I reveal to the girl who was always fidgeting adorably at the sight of my best friend, the girl who was his first and last skateboarding student, the girl who was silently but definitely in love with Min Yoongi, that I was desperately falling in love with her?

So I didn't tell you, and I will be sure to add it to the long list of things I wish I did. It will be right up there with how I wish I told that I love the way you look when you're concentrated on something. It will be right up there with regretting not letting you know that I thought you looked beautiful in the dress you always seemed insecure wearing. It will be right up there with Yoongi's big secret.