Confused

Chapter 1. Oblivion In My Head

        The words never make it out of my mouth until it's too late. You never understand until I say something. You don't care. That's what I tell myself. You say you care, but I don't believe. I wish I did though. I wish I didn't hold resentment for the things you did to me in the past. I wish I could easily shrug it off just like you did. I wish I could hold my feelings in just like you did.

My question always returns why do you pretend like you care. Why do you lie to me? Isn't that too much? It was too much for you to care, but shouldn't it be too much energy to pretend. To pretend like you care. You don't care about my words, my feelings, my thoughts. Your excuses don't mean anything. They don't. That's how I feel, but you don't care.

You have your own problems.

Why do you compare me to other people in your life when I'm supposed to be the most important? Why?

I'm lost in this world where feelings don't exist. It's oblivion in my head. I don't feel because I'm used to being told I'm wrong. I'm used to being told my feelings don't equate to anything, but bullshit. I get told how people treat me. I'm not the one who tells.

Life isn't fair and I've established that in my life, but why do you convince yourself that your words are? Tell me. Please. It would be a blessing in disguise if you told me why. You seem to understand the words that come out of your mind. Why can't you comprehend the words that come out of mine.

I don't feel anger. Although, I don't feel compassion to your sorry's. I don't feel the genuine feelings when you look at me or speak to me.

Your sorry now, but you don't want to change. What about tomorrow? Or the next day? Your gonna act the same. Sorry's are worthless if their more than once. Sorry's don't mean shit if their plural. I can hear you texting me. I can hear the ringing on my phone from a far. I don't answer because I don't want to.

I put you on a pedestal and you put me on a stool. I blame myself for most of it. Trusting you all. I wasted my years. Trying to fix something that I couldn't. I tried to fix something that wasn't  mine to fix.
To fix it I had to remove it. Leave it. Run from it. Walk. Turn my back. Crawl away.

I want to accept your sorry's. I really do, but I know you don't want to accept change for me. To make me feel better.

You assume things about me. You don't know me because if you did you would know I'm unpredictable. If you did know me...I wouldn't feel like this.

I don't cry for people because I don't even cry for myself. I can't see other people's feelings because I don't see my own. I don't. You don't even see me. I can feel myself passing you. I see you. I hear you talking to them. I hear you talking about me. I see you. I past by you. My shoulders brush yours. I bump into you. You still don't see me.

Thanks.

I'm not an outcast, but in your eyes I am. I'm pitiful because I used to feel. I don't joke around. I don't tell people what their doing wrong in their life because I'm doing wrong in mine. I know who I am.

You don't. You can't even see yourself.

That's okay. I love you enough to blame it on everything else but you. I blame it on the sky. The parents you grew up with. I'll blame it on God. I would. I promise, but that's the thing you don't even care about my promises. You see me as a wall, holding you back from the real adventure.

It's okay. I'm not reassuring you. I'm reassuring myself. It won't matter in a couple of months. Maybe years, but it matters right now. That's what hurts the most.

You say talk to you, but I start my sentence off and you tell me to shut up. Why is that?

My words don't mean anything to me. Your's do. They mean everything because you meant everything. Now. You're a stranger. I don't want to get to know you.

I need someone who listens. I don't want. I have to live and breath with someone who cares. If I don't I could end up like this...again. I've been like this, but for different reasons.

I'm angry. I'm always angry, but if you knew me. You would know I'm really hurt.

From you and the choices you make. I shouldn't have to explain my words because you don't deserve my words.

I deserve better. I want better.

Don't tell me I'm confused cause I'll spend my lifetime knowing and learning. I'll spend the rest of my life trying to understand and work hard for the things I care about. I'll spend my life trying to push out the shame of saying sorry and say it when I know I'm wrong. I won't say sorry because you don't deserve. I know how you made me feel. I understand the way you made me feel. I know you care about me, but you don't care about me the way I want you too.

I'm lost in oblivion. The darkness. I'm falling. Your not lost.

Your confused. Know the difference. Understand it and fall in love with it and until you understand it don't try to compare me to other people. Don't try to give me a title just because you pity me.

Don't. Please, learn and understand.

Than maybe, just maybe we can be friends when your not confused and when I'm not lost.