Living at Gunpoint
I pointed the gun to my head. I concluded what I had to do, and what I wanted to do, and that was to do myself in. To end it once and for all and blast off of this wicked, cruel world. One moment of pain perhaps, and then sleep forever and ever and ever.
Ending my life was the only rational decision I could come up with, considering that a life without Ashley wasn't really a life at all. She meant a great deal to me because she was the first person who ever changed my perspective on how to live my life. Ashley made me realize that I've spent my whole life running away from her and the people I loved; trying to catch some form of infinite happiness that I invented when my life turned into a rut. But in reality, all I've ever done is submerge myself deeper and deeper into an inescapable state of depression.
Ashley also made me realize how funny how life can be. She showed me that when we're young, we fantasize about growing up too much. We become infatuated with the idea of doing things that kids five or six years older are doing. We also hold our parents as our own personal superheroes, making them our only window to the scary adult world that awaits us. But when we become teenagers, we forget all those things. We create a mind of our own, often heavily influenced by the mistakes of our peers. And worst of all, we push away our parents when we need them the most. It's only when we grow old that we realize the gravity of our mistakes. And for a large amount of people, it becomes much too late to take them back.
Ashley Martin. What a beautiful name. It really rolled off my tongue, almost as if I've known about it forever. Regardless of what happened to us in the past, I still love her. I could care less if she cheated on me. Which, in return, caused me to severly beat her. I know I shouldn't of done that, but a day doesn't go by when I don't regret it. It's just that I figured if I couldn't trust her, then who could I really trust? If I couldn't trust the one single human being in my life who I didn't have to hide who I really was to, then how much hope was there for me? I became a lost cause. I learned, the hard way, that there is no greater euphoria in life than finding someone who knows about the real monster inside of you, and still loves you for it. And that's why I loved Ashley. She looked past the fake image of me, that I portrayed to the whole world from fear of being exiled from society, and fell in love the person that I really was. But now she's gone. My inner monster won the battle and pushed her far, far away. I could care less about getting a stupid boring job to earn myself some stupid, boring money. Stupid, boring money that could only buy me stupid, boring things that I wouldn't really need in the future. Because that isn't really happiness. No, I think that happiness comes from the amount of love you can share with someone. And considering I have no one left to share it with, the last and final page of the book of my life deserves to end with a bullet through my head. There is no other alternative.
***
As I was preparing to pull the trigger that would, finally, end my suffering, I felt the gun violently slapped away from the grip of my hands. I opened my eyes and saw Ashley; standing above me with loathing tears in her eyes.
“I love you.” I said, cringing at the thought of her response.
No you don't! Don't lie to me anymore!", she responded, avoiding directly looking at me.
"I'm not lying to lie to you, dear. I really do lov-"
"Shut up. You don't get it, do you? You were about to kill yourself! Over what? Some miserable failed relationship? Don’t you realize how truly beautiful life is? No one ever said it was going to be easy, which is why no one has ever written a book on how to specifically live your life; but there’s a damn good reason for that. It isn’t about how you live your life, or how the people you care about live it, but how you see and react to it! Remember what my father once told after you got out of rehab? 'The world is a map; constantly changing, but at the same time always relatively the same. It’s how you see that map that dictates your destination in life. So don’t see that map for how other people tell you to see it; see the map for what it really is and choose your destination within it. Whether it’s a park or a lake, it’s your choice - just don’t let other anyone guide you to a dump or a graveyard.' So, as much as all of this hurts, sometimes it's best to let go of what you keep concealed in the deepest depths of your heart. Listen to what my father said and choose a better direction to steer your life into. Don't make me your last thread holding you off from insanity.
“I know. I’m sorry...”
And at that moment, I realized I loved her. She tried to say something, but I put my arm around her and led her body to my chest. “I know we’ve had our problems, but can we just forget them for one last night? Let tonight be your last night in my arms again; the last night I’ll ever have the pleasure to call you mine.” She nodded in agreement, and gave me one of her last, passionate kisses.
As we laid there, I though about how I was with, undeniably, the most beautiful girl in the world. She had every thing I’d always wanted in a girl; long blond hair, cherry red lips, hazel blue eyes and a short, but curvy body. I tried to tell her that, but no sound came out. It was junior high all over again. But before I could attempt to say anything else, she began separating herself from me, and, while holding her gaze directly towards my eyes, kissed me. She smiled and waved goodbye, slowly disappearing from the room. But before she completely disappeared, she looked back and softly whispered the last sentence I’d ever hear from her again, “We might have been lovers in our past life. We might of grown up, raised a family, and became infinitely happy. But in this life, it was not meant to be. In this life, we’re destined to never be together; to never love the person we thought we loved the most. Maybe in another life, ‘when we are both cats’, it’ll work out. But in this one, all we can say now is goodbye.”
And then, just like that, she was gone…
That’s all I could think about. She was gone. She was out of my life – never to return again. I understood love now. I never did before, though. I realized how every time we make the decision to fall in love with someone, we open ourselves to great suffering, because those who we love the most cause us not only great joy but also great pain. The greatest pain is when that special someone we love leaves us. But sometimes it takes a little pain in order to truly see the world for what it really is.
My vision began to become significantly blurry, and I felt my body become coldly disconnected. I found myself back in the bathtub where I originally was, except that I was now laying down in a pool drenched with blood, next to a recently fired pistol. I think I knew all along that I did, in fact, choose to kill myself - and was successful at it – except that I honestly really didn’t care. If living a fantasy, or a dream, meant seeing the one I loved one last time, then I was okay with it. I think that sometimes, when we need it the most, fantasy is the one last thing we can truly call our own. Maybe the only way can “truly live” is at gunpoint.
