I remember that it hurt. Looking at him hurt. Looking at Matthew Espinosa hurt. Looking at my best friend being mentally destroyed right in front of me hurt. Everything hurt. Everything has this excruciating pain that I can't seem to get away from.
Maybe, I don't want to get away from it. Maybe I like the pain. The pain makes me remember that I'm still physically here. The pain is a way for me to realize that this is reality. In reality, the pain never goes away. In reality, the pain never stops.
Looking back I see that everything that happened made me who I am today. That sentence, when people say it through clenched teeth and a fake smile, means they did something good. They made something out of themselves. They're doing good.
When I speak that sentence, it's me admitting to being broken. I am broken, and I am far beyond fixable. I broke myself. I put myself into situations that I know wouldn't help me. I put myself in the path of a disaster. Little did I know that the disaster was myself. I created a monster but, that monster is me.
I am Kaili, and I am unfixable.
