Most of my activities are worthless to others, in fact I have always had the idea to just live in the realm of acceptance. My life isn't all much. I'm in high school and my life is depressing because of the adventures I have day in and day out of when nothing ever happens making you bored of life. As much as I try to tell myself that my life is meaningful, such talk is no match for the constant words which is similar to this:Hey you're not normal, You should go kill your self, you're proof that human can live without a brain.
I walked into the new school I had no idea who I was going to meet, or what I was going to meet. I'm so used to being the new kid at the school, but this time I was frighten. I was in a well maintained mood, but I wasn't looking forward to seeing new people and hearing horrible things. I sat in the very front next to the door. A few minutes later this girl came in like a tornado, and she was coming straight at me. The way her eyes were fixed on me told me, "why are you here? This is my seat not for a scumbag like you," in fact that's what see said. I turned away in the shame that was set on top of me. "I'm a new student and all I want to do is get this day over with," I count to twenty then, I look at her straight in the eyes, "and I'll move when the teacher tells me." I was not interested in her critical insults directed towards me. I just wanted to finish the day and cry myself to sleep. I chose science to be my first class of the day second social studies third English and last but not least was math. I thought about it and then I saw that there were assigned seats no wonder this girl was wondering why I'm here in her seat. The teacher comes in and starts class the girl who had yelled at me was now in tears; the teacher stops, "What's a matter?" The girl, who's name is Kelly, told the teacher. The teacher looked at me,"how tall are you?" This conversation had absolutely no reason to be with this lecture.
The teacher waited for my response. I looked at her and said," I don't know," she pointed at the door and told me to go to the office. I walked to the front of the school with tears in my eyes I asked the lady in the front desk if she could point me in the direction of the principal's office. The principal came out,"Madison what are you doing in here? Are you okay?" I look at her and started to cry. She pointed into her office,"come in child," her voice was soft and sweet like honey. The principal, who's name is Mrs. Miles, started to talk to me,"what happened child? Do I need to get someone?" She was trying to make me laugh but nothing seemed to work. I looked up at her dark brown eyes and all I saw was the dark coat on my horse, Lovie, she was a good horse, like the average horse she would watch the world around her and eat the greenest grass, but unlike the normal she would stand proud, stern, and would always be there on the farm to protect me. That was until we moved to Houston. I miss that Lovie girl and I always will.
"Madison do you understand?" Mrs. Miles was talking directly to me and I had no clue; I must have been thinking about that for awhile, because the nurse was in there and about to flash a light in my eyes. "No ma'am, I didn't get that," she repeated her lecture, it seemed like hours until she stopped talking. "Mrs. Christiansen, she's the reason I'm in here she told me to go to the front office because I don't know my height!" I'm standing up now and looking out the window. Mrs. Miles looked at me with sorrow," then why are you in here?" She made me feel like someone cared. Later she sent me back to the classroom and fired Mrs. Christiansen, but later in the school year Kelly still couldn't get rid of me, and I was determined to stay put. She would tell me that I was the living proof that human can live without brains and that nobody cares about me and that my father was lucky that he's in prison or he would have killed himself a long time ago.
That was the first time I slit my wrist. I thought that Kelly's words would true and I wasn't meant to be in the world. I thought she was right and I was wrong. It soon became a regular task for me to go home and cut myself, after a few months I had no more room on my arms and I began cutting my legs, but it wasn't just Kelly calling me these terrible things it was just about the whole grade calling me stupid and worthless. As the time progressed I soon became the words people were calling me. I began to eat less and tried killing myself in worse ways: I drank bleach, I tried hanging myself, but I didn't have anything to hang myself from, I inhaled Lysol spray, and I would cut myself deeper.
I soon had no life I lost weight because I was starving myself and I quickly became the words people would call me. People don't understand how words can hurt other people. Most of these people would say things to me that I've heard almost the entire school year it didn't hurt me as much as it did the first time I heard it. I didn't feel like going to school at all and I felt like I didn't have a place on the earth and that the children calling me these names was a message from God to go kill myself. I soon questioned myself,"why would God allow these people to call me these hurtful names and want me to go kill myself." I felt like it was the only way to allow myself to be free. I thought to myself and said,"at least I'll be with Lovie," I could be with my horse up in heaven and I could finally have peace.
I decided to take matters into my own hands and moved out of the classes I had with Kelly. I began to help myself and go to consoling I thought that I would never be out of my depression if it wasn't for my consoler. I liked being the human I was and I wasn't easily deterred. I wasn't going to let others going to get under my skin. I loved the person I was going to be and I loved my mother. I realized I couldn't let my mother be alone in the world with an annoying husband, who does nothing to help raise me and take care of my mother. I couldn't bare myself to do that to her. I love to much.
I began to cut myself less often and I didn't try to hang myself. I then drank less bleach then none at all. I started to eat a little more and now I eat half a plate during dinner and I now love the thought of being on this planet. Even though I have healed mentally I will never heal on the outside and the inside of my body I have caused too much damage to my intestinal wall, my lungs don't take in as much air as they use to, and my brain had the most affect of all. My brain is slower and doesn't send signals to the certain part of my body quick enough. Sometimes when I'm playing with my sister we get into fights and sometimes one of us get hit, and it is most likely me, because my brain sends a slower signal to move my hand across her face, or when she does get lucky and hit me on the face my nerve signals send the response of pain slower so when she hits me I would feel the pain a few seconds later.
I soon figured out that I couldn't just end my life because I haven't finished my life. Sometimes things don't work out and others can be responsible for the pain in your life but you have to fulfill the life you have. Life doesn't always work out, but with the right words said to the right people it can make a difference between life or death.
