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Old memories

I woke up at about five in the morning due to the uncomfortable couch that I was laying on. I freaked out at first because I didn't remember where I was but then the memories of yesterday came crashing over me like a wave. I pulled my knees up to my chest and tried to keep my breathing under control. My heartbeat started to accelerate and I felt like I need to escape. The gray walls seemed to be closing in on me. I stumbled towards the back door and felt my fingers fumble to unlock it. I finally heard the lock click and shoved to door open. I fell out the door and onto my knees on the cold wet grass. I heard a screaming in the distance and after a few minutes realized that it was me. The world was still spinning around me as I screamed. After a minute my screams turned into sobbing. I lay on the ground sobs racking my body as the dew started to sink into my cloths. Just as I thought that I had finally calmed down, I was faced with a long buried memory.

I was transported back 6 years ago to when I was eight years old. It was the bright summer day that my dad left me and my mom. I could still remember the look on his face as he looked back one last time. I had just woke up at our old house that we lived in before he left. There were shafts of light leaking through the curtain in my room. It was an oddly quiet morning for a Saturday. Usually there would be the sound of the coffee machine and the smell of bacon wafting through the house but instead I was met with silence. I figured that my parents were still asleep until I heard the front door slam shut. Curious, I stood up from the warm cocoon of a bed and quickly made my way down the stairs to the kitchen. 

On the granite counter top was a plate of pancakes with a piece of paper laying next to it. I heard the sound of a garage door opening and a car engine starting. Wanting to see where either my mom or my dad was going, I ran outside into the cold morning air. From my spot on the front porch I saw my dad's car backing down the driveway. When he turned his head back around and caught sight of me he slammed his foot on the brake. We both stayed where we were, staring at each other. Him at a tiny eight year old girl who was still scared of monsters under her bed, who was so fragile and wouldn't trust anyone very much after this. Me at a the real monster who had used my trust and left me alone. His face filled with guilt but that did nothing to stop him as he continued down the driveway. The last thing I ever saw of my dad was his silhouette in the driver's seat of the car as it turned to the right and disappeared from my life.

I experienced the same thing when I was 8 that I had just experienced in the present. The ever familiar darkness started to consume me as my breathing got faster and my chest tightened. I stumbled to the backyard, wanting to get away from where I had seen him last. I found myself under the old oak tree in our backyard where I collapsed on to the ground. Tears started to spill from my eyes as I brought my knees to my chest.

I looked down at my fist and saw a crumpled piece of paper. I didn't remember taking the piece of paper out with me but I must have. I studied the piece of paper in my hand and saw that it was an envelope. On the front of the envelope in my dad's messy print was my slightly smudged name. I turned the envelope over an opened opened it, the paper slightly tearing. Inside there was a note that I pulled out of the envelope with shaking hands. It read:

Dear Aurelee,

You may not understand this now but I need to leave you and your mother. Not because of selfishness or greed but for your safety. You will understand why this happened when you're older. I will miss you but things do happen for a reason. The reason why I left so suddenly was because I couldn't stand to tell this to you and see the look on your face. Please give this message to your mother.

Love,

Dad

I remember dropping the letter on the ground like it was too hot to touch. I backed away from the letter and curled up in a ball, still sobbing. I didn't know how long I laid on the ground, just that by the time I finally stopped crying, my clothes were damp from the morning dew. I grabbed the letter with shaking hands and headed inside. I walked into the familiar dinning room that seemed emptier than usual even though he had only been gone for a few hours but it already felt too empty in the house. Normally by now the coffee machine would be making coffee and the smells of breakfast would have filled the house but instead it was dead silent other than the sound of my breathing and the sounds of my mother getting ready upstairs. 

Clutching the letter in my hand, I made my way up the stairs, hesitant to tell her the dreaded news. I opened the door to her room to find her checking something on her laptop. When she heard me open the door, she turned her head towards me, smiling, but her face fell when she saw the look on my face and the letter in my outstretched hand. She tentatively reached forward and grabbed the letter, fear evident in her eyes. Her hands pulled the note out of the envelope and opened it, eyes scanning over the note. Once she was done, she put it in the drawer by her bed and lead me downstairs. She made breakfast and we went on like our life was the same as it had been.

The next few weeks we went on like we knew what we were doing but I could tell that neither of us knew what was going to happen with our lives. A few months later we moved to a smaller house away from our old house because mom couldn't stand to be around anything that reminded her of dad. I also moved to a new school and had a bit of a hard time adjusting. One of the last things that I remembered from our old house was this one night right before we moved. I was young at the time and didn't really understand what we were doing. For me it was burning burning paper for fun or experimenting but for my mother it was a way to start over and get rid of her past life.

I pulled myself back into reality and looked around at where I was. It was still night, my dad was gone, and I was stuck with my uncle. I moved over to a tree in the back yard and leaned against it. I wasn't going back to sleep that night because I knew that even if I tried, I wouldn't be able to. I leaned against the rough trunk of the tree, keeping my mind from thinking about my past. No matter what painful things from my past came back to haunt me, I refused to cry over people that had hurt me.

Thanks for reading. Please comment any feedback or advice and vote. I know this chapter is rather short but there will be longer ones in the future. Thanks, Katie.