Unsteady

"so sick"

1| "so sick"

I slammed my bedroom door shut loudly, and slowly slid my back against the door.

I pulled my knees to my chest and bawled my eyes out. Every night. Every fucking night. I had to cry myself to sleep while trying my best to block out the noisy shit downstairs while also trying so hard not lunge to the bathroom and grab my razor. And I'm so sick of everything.

The 'noisy shit' I was talking about is my parents constant yelling, throwing of things, and just- ugh. My head sure hurts today, and my crying and my 'parents' fighting isn't helping.

I put quotations on the word 'parents' because I don't think they're capable of actually being one. Sure, they managed to raise me for 17 years, but that isn't enough. You have to cook breakfast, greet each other 'good morning', drive your kid to school-have them actually go to school, be the first and last to greet them on their fucking birthday. They were only able to do that for like nine or ten straight years then suddenly, POOF GONE. I started to become invisible.

I frowned and cried even more at the thought. For seven years, they didn't remember my birthday, not even once. Even though it was my birthday it always felt like a normal day. And by normal I meant, them being out of town for business trips or meetings.

By the way, I'm Ashlynn Everly Ford, 17, average height, I have black hair that turns to brown when sunlight hits it, and black plain eyes that hides a million feelings and hides the truth behind my smile.

"Fuck you!"  I heard my mom yell from downstairs followed by a door slamming really loudly

Well, great. Just great. There goes my mom again, wandering away to Neverland, well fuck she doesn't text back, she doesn't answer atleast one phone call out of a hundred, and she doesn't tell where she is and seriously don't come back after a week

I suddenly jumped when someone started to bang at my door

"Open this fucking door right now Ashlynn" my dad says calmly but anger is clear in his voice

"Why?" I ask him just to be sure about his real intentions, I'm pretty sure that he won't hurt me or actually do anything to me because he's not that type of guy and to be completely honest he's- he's quite nice? But that all comes crashing out of the window when they fight. I don't call it argue, I call it fight because it's almost literally a fight.

"Just open the damn door!" his voice suddenly raised and he's still banging loudly on my door and I swear it will almost break

I slowly walk to my door but unfortunately go there too quickly for my liking. I was face-to-face with my door and the banging stopped and I started thinking my dad got tired and just walked away. But I spoke too soon, there was another loud bang on my door.

"What the fuck is your problem, and why did I just get involve in your and and my mother's shit" I whispered to myself

Then I opened the door, only to see my dad holding two bottles of beer on each hand, one was empty while the other was half drank.

"Your mom just left again! And I just wanted to stop by and tell you that this is all your fault-"  what.the.actual.fuck -"it's your fault that me and your mom don't get along. You're the reason why her parents hate me! When they found out that-" he suddenly stopped

"Found out what?" I asked through gritted teeth, I was raged because why the hell would he blame it all on me?! It's not my fault that my mom's parents doesn't like him. Well, it's actually only fair because my grandparents doesn't like me either, I don't even know why

"Forget about that! Jut know that it's all your goddamn fault!" he yelled at my face while flailing his arms around like a moron

I glared at him, I swear I almost dug a hole on his head at how I was glaring at him.

I just quickly slammed my door shut at his face and locked it, heading straight to my bathroom

I stared at the razor in ny hands. Tears started to flow freely again. And without a second thought I slid the razor on my wrist. Again and again.

"It's all your fault" I whisper and give myself another cut
"You never do anything right" *cut*
"Your parents don't even care about you" *cut*
"No one cares about you" *cut*

I stopped and stared at my scar-stained wrist. Alot of scars are now once again covering my wrist. Every cut I've given myself I deserve, every cut has a story.

I see the blood run down my arms and to the sink. I slowly look up to look at myself in the mirror and what I see surprised me.

I see a girl with tear-stained cheeks, I see a helpless girl, I see a girl who always sits silent everywhere she goes but deep inside is screaming out for help but too scared to get judged. I see a girl who smiles everyday but do it just for the show, I see a girl who's broken on the inside but looks perfectly fine on the outside.

Everybody believes the smile I put on my face, they're all too oblivious to realize that I need help.

I was quite surprised, because this isn't the girl I was nine years ago. Because, nine years ago I was this little girl who always had a long wish list and gave them to my parents and seeing them one by one under my bed, then running up to my parents while kissing them and laughing along with them.

I do admit, that I'm a whole new person now, alot of shit got to me.

My wish list got shorter because the things I like can't be bought anymore. I don't wake up feeling that thankful anymore, because I know when I go downstairs I won't be greeted by a lovely lady called my mom-cooking, I won't be greeted by a dad who's reading a newspaper and then hugging me when seeing me.

Instead I'll be waking up to either my parents so awkwardly cold and just having their own little worlds, or waking up and going downstairs to nothing and no one at all.

I cry harder. I've never cried this hard before. Probably, because it's the first time my dad blamed something on me, everything. I was so surprised when he told me that. And I just had enough.

I decided to just try and sleep this out.
I cleaned my wrist and wore my bracelets, it hurt but it's nothing compared to the pain I'm feeling deep deep inside me.

I washed my face and headed straight to my bed and just drifting away to sleep.

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Hi or Hey!
It sounded too depressing and probably looks like it doesn't connect to the title,but yea. :D