Unsteady

"walls"

2| "walls"

*12:05 pm*
Ugh. I woke up with a big head ache and the sunlight poking out from the window straight to my face is not helping at all

I stand up and head straight to my bathroom, I see my razor sitting on the sink and the memory of last night comes flashing back in my mind, I look at my wrists and that's when I start feeling the pain from my bracelets restraining my wounds to breathe

I just shake my head and start to strip, maybe a long shower would help ease the pain...no, it won't, nothing will. Nothing could take away the pain, both physically and mentally. Not even therapy.

While I was taking my shower a voice in my head reminded me that I deserved the pain.
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I stayed in my bed and just checked what was up on Twitter

"I'm just a simple person who hides a thousand feelings behind the happiest smile."
*retweet*

*message from: unknown*
Hey, checked ur Twitter, something's up, wanna talk about it?

Okay, wth?
It's kinda weird because 1. I don't have friends 2. I don't have that much followers on Twitter and the followers I have doesn't give a damn about what I tweet 3. It's an unknown number and 4. No one cares about me, like, pfft.

*to: unknown*
Um, hey I think you got the wrong number

*sent*

Unknown: oh, sorry
Me: it's cool

The one time someone asks me to talk about my problem ends up being a mistake

Uknown: um, can I ask you your un? Or would that seem creepy, like I just sent you a message by mistake and...
Me: idk, it's not like you can find anything on my Twitter, but can I actually trust you?

Trust. That's something I don't give so easily
Because once you trust someone hard enough you start to open up to them. But then one day, no matter what it is; they will one day break your trust and throw everything back at you all at once

Unknown: yea, trust me...btw my name's Luis :)
Me: @aestheticpain, Ashlynn here
Unknown: beautiful name :)
Me: I'm sorry, but I don't accept compliments...
Luis: oh okay...followed ya
Me:thanks, just followed you back
Luis: thank you
Luis: um, tell me a bit about yourself
Me: well, my name's Ashlynn Everly Ford, 17 and that's pretty much it
Me: sorry if I'm not interesting
Luis: no! Don't be sorry...Luis Antonio, 18, I love Bring Me The Horizon, I hope you do too
Me: I fucking love them, come on! Who wouldn't?
Luis: ikr, and I also scrolled through your Twitter timeline, what's up?
Me: oh, it's nothing really
Luis: .ya sure?
Me: yep
Luis: well, I gotta go, nice talking to you...hopefully I can talk to you again?
Me: yea, sure
Luis: byeee
Me: bye

And with that our conversation ended. He probably won't talk to me again since I'm lame and depressed, and no one wants to get stuck with people like me

When he asked me what's up I wanted to open up so badly, because I wanted to get something off my chest... some part of me really wanted to tell him everything even though I haven't been even talking to him for 30 minutes. Plus, he doesn't personally know me anyways

But I built walls for a reason, so that people won't be able to see through me, because I'm scared that if they do, they won't look at me the same way again. But something inside me wants someone to break down my walls... the walls I took time to build. I wanted someone to break it down because it's starting to suffocate me, I feel like it's slowly closing and not leaving any room. And I want someone to break it down, because I want them to know the truth

I sighed, and that familiar feeling of wanting to hurt my self again rises. But I try my best to just shrug it off, just like what my so-called parents do to me even knowing I have depression. They wanted me to go to therapy but I refused to because that's not the type of help I need. And I don't want to open up to someone who's just paid to listen to me. I don't even want to open up to my parents then why would I to a therapist?

But why would you want to open up to Luis; a complete stranger?

And that's when it fucks me up.

I don't even know what the hell gotten into me for wanting to open up to him;
But maybe, because he doesn't know me personally so he can't use it against me, or maybe because I'm just so tired of bottling this all up that I would open up to a complete stranger

"Why am I so fucked up?" I ask myself

I check the time on my phone and see it's only 3 pm, so I just shut my eyes tightly and drift off to a dreamless sleep
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I shifted and tried all the positions to get me to sleep but I just couldn't. Well, now I'm fucked because I literally have nothing to do.

I don't want to eat either. And as bad as it sounds, the thought of eating makes me sick.

I just decided to listen to Can You Feel My Heart by Bring Me The Horizon
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After repeating it for a hundred times I thought about the lyrics of the song, specially the bridge; my favorite part

I'm scared to get close and I hate being alone
I long for that feeling to not feel at all
The higher I get lower I'll sink
I can't drown ny demons they, know how to swim

If you think about it, the song is really deep.

Like some people just long to be numb, because you don't have to feel anything, not even pain...
I'm scared to get close; because I'm scared to get too attached to someone because I'm scared that they'll just leave me when they find out the truth behind my facade.
I hate socializing yet at the same time I don't like the feeling of loneliness. I don't like not having anyone to talk to, because the only choice you have is to keep it all bottled up and it can trigger you to self-harm, which I'm trying my best to stop. Because I do want to get better

The higher I get the lower I sink; it's like whenever I feel happiness or like I'm actually having fun which is exactly the same thing; is that the harder sadness and depression comes biting me back on the ass

I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim; self-explanatory... no matter how hard you try to fight your demons or no matter how hard you silence them, they're still there, they'll always be there... and you can't kill them because you might end up killing yourself...

The song really means alot to me, because it like speaks for me and to others as well...

I close my eyes and tried to sleep once again... but this time I do finally sleep.