telling lies

  my grandma raised me on a lot of good principles.

i've grown up with her since three years old, which gives her about 14 years and counting of mind-molding time. now, grandma's always been the church-going, god-loving, law-biding type, but very little of what she drilled into my head is still there. 

out of all the sins in the bible, grandma hates lying the most, and she's never been shy in showing it. however, this just so happens to be my most frequent offense. in my seventeen years of life, i've definitely told my fair share of lies. though i've forgotten most of them, because they were probably about something dumb and unimportant.

there are only five lies i remember clearly, and they're forever stored in my mental portfolio.

1. "i didn't break it" 

a lie told to my grandmother at five years old, and definitely the most innocent of the bunch. just trying to cover my own ass after destroying one of grandma's porcelain angels. the punishment after she (with little detective work) found out i'd lied to her was enough for me to learn my lesson though. i steered clear of dishonesty for quite a while until 

2. "it was me"

which was told to my fourth grade teacher, mrs. fraizer. and out of all the lies i've ever told, i regret this one the least. a kid in my class, peter, had pulled the fire alarm during gym to impress some idiot bully. and i hadn't really ever talked to peter before, but i knew he was a good "by the book" kind of kid, who'd never gotten in trouble. when i saw him freaking out during mrs. fraizer's questioning of the class, i spoke up and said i'd been the one to pull the alarm. sure, i got in a hell of a lot of trouble for it, but i also made the best friend i've ever had. peter and i were pretty inseparable after that, and with all we've been through, i'd say the whole incident was worth it (even if i did have to miss a class trip to a bulls' game).

3. "that's my dad" 

the dumbest of the lot. i told this lie in sixth grade, trying to avoid talking about my bum father to a bunch of idiot middle school boys. they were doing the whole "my dad could beat up your dad" thing and i pulled out an autographed photo of lionel messi. luckily, no one called me out on it at the time, but that group of friends definitely didn't last long. when they started picking on peter, saying i had to ditch him to fit in, i chose pete. one of the smarter things i did in middle school. i doubt i would've made it through those years without his help. and, likewise, he probably wouldn't have survived without me. because we definitely kept each other in balance. 

4. "i'm in love with you" 

definitely the shittiest lie i've ever told, and i doubt i'll ever stop feeling guilty about it. i said it to my ninth grade girlfriend, jericho, at a winter dance. i don't know why i said it. i guess it just seemed like the thing to do. a lot of our friends (not peter) had pushed us together because we were like "perfect for each other" or whatever, but we never really connected. we just kinda went through the motions of ninth grade dating until we got tired of it. i don't know if she was ever really in love with me either, but i always feel bad about screwing her over like that. peter says i beat myself up about it too much. after all, jericho and i are still friends and i do care a lot about her, but i don't know. i can't help wishing i could change that night.

5. "everything'll be okay" 

and the last lie in the roundup.a fairly recent one too... i said it to my best friend, peter as i drove him to a funeral- a service for his girlfriend. he'd been doe-eyed for jane since middle school, and i didn't know anything else to say. he was crying in my passenger seat, trying desperately to keep it together. i'd never seen him like that before. even though i'd dealt with loss before, it wasn't anything like this. what the hell do you say to someone going through that?

and you know, most of the time an empty promise of "it'll be okay" doesn't hurt anyone. they know you can't predict the future. they know everything could go to hell tomorrow, and it won't be your fault. but this time it just felt so wrong. 

i knew peter was going to have a hard few months following, because losing someone you love always sucks- trust me, i know. 

i was lying straight to his face.

maybe i would've said something different if i knew the consequences back then. that i'd slowly lose my best friend after that. that he'd start keeping to himself more and more, ignoring my calls, avoiding band practice, and that he'd be a total stranger to me by the time we graduated. maybe i would've told a huge truth about how this sucked and death sucked, but i loved him and i was there for him, and it's going to hurt for a while, but nothing's ever going to get better if we aren't honest right now.

but that would've been the hard thing to do. and yeah, i sure as hell wish i would've, but i didn't

i just told a lie, because that's what i was used to. 

and i'd give anything to take it back.