1D loves me.

Deal With It

Everyday, I felt weaker and weaker. Not eating can do really bad things to you. Which is obvious, but it isn't everyday that you realize how serious it can be. It's not like I wanted to be skinnier or lose weight, I didn't really have a choice. Either eat and puke up your food, and everything else remaining in your stomach, or don't eat at all, I choose the latter.

I am starting to get used to this again. It had only been almost 2 weeks, and it was terrible. All of the stress included in the disorder is enough to make someone cry, but I had already done that.

I stocked up on foods that I can eat, like plain saltine crackers, almonds, bread, and and a few fruits. But I could never eat a lot, just spread out a little bit of food all throughout the day. But one extra bite and everything comes out, luckily it isn't automatic. It takes a few minutes.

The doctor called and explained more. My eating disorder had never gone away, just went dormant. It usually only affects me in high stress situations.

The doctors are still not sure what triggered it, or why it is staying, but they have some theories. It could be just a type of growth spurt, and my body is gearing up for growing, but it can't handle it. Which is probably the best scenario.

It's more like acid reflux, which is where your body just cannot handle the acid in foods.

Some of the symptoms are vomiting, obviously I knew that, heart burn, hiccups that don't stop, nausea, weight loss, and sore throat. Yeah, it sucks doesn't it?

And the whole surgery thing, they were wrong. The disorder wasn't like they think it was, it's not an infection. They do believe that an infection is what made it start when I was little. The infection affected something and it became permanent for a while.

There are quite a few things I can do to help it. Most of them I am already doing. There are also some pills that can help but cause serious symptom's. They could do a surgery, but it isn't always recommended.

At least it waited this long to come back. Now that I'm out of school, it's easier. I can only imagine being 12, going through this. There would be so much pressure at school to eat, because everyone would think I was on a diet. Then they would say I had to eat and that I wasn't fat.

The weight I dropped almost right away was just excess fat from eating, bloating, and being a girl in general. It wasn't actually 15 though, it was less. It will take longer to loose more permanent weight. That's good, because I don't ever want to be an unhealthy skinny.

It's so weird to think some people force themselves to regurgitate, I hate it and I would never purposely do this to myself. It has taken a toll on my body, only getting heftier.

I was getting ready to weigh myself. I was really nervous, but I know that when I learn the numbers it won't change anything.

"Okay" I whispered preparing myself.

The scale read 134. That's a lot of weigh lost. Eleven pounds. I had to remind myself it was mostly stomach weight, no major harm has been done. Who am I kidding this is the worst.

I really wanted to tell everyone. But it's private and I'm afraid people might think I am doing it on purpose. My friend, Jazzy, had moved away right out of high school, and I text her everyday. But I never went into depth about it, she just knew I had eating problems and acid reflux.

My family knew, and there wasn't much to say. The thought crossed my mind about telling one of the 1D guys, but they barely know me on a personal level. I wish I knew them better, I do know they are fun.

I just mindlessly wandered through the house thinking about my challenges. Why does life have to be so mean?

I decided to go to music and art for a get away. I went to my room and grabbed my phone, got a bunch of art supplies and decided what I should draw.

I hopped on to the bed and turned up the music.

Only to start hiccuping for about 5 minutes, which is so uncomfortable.

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"Come down to eat" shouted my mom.

I groaned. I would pretend to go downstairs to get supper, but just get a small snack. It has become normal lately.

I jogged down the stairs to see my whole family eating. My dad was on the couch with my sister. My mom and brother were in the kitchen.

I grabbed some crackers and some fruit. Everyday I discover another food I can eat.

"Not going to eat anything else?" My mom questioned. My mom had dark brown hair, almost black, with hazel eyes. She wasn't obese, but she was over weight a little bit, though well under 200 pounds. She always helped everyone and tried to be the best she could be.

"You know I can't" I replied.

She hugged me and said "I'm sorry"

I went back upstairs to my room. I just felt empty. What did I do before I had eating problems? Oh yeah, I ate. I ate about five crackers and half an apple.

Five minutes later, the food was still down. I did a little happy dance and rejoiced. It seems like I ate nothing, but to me, this was huge. I started jumping on the bed like a five year old.

Bad idea after eating, because then I had heart burn. For the few minutes in which it lasted, I took some pills and fidgeted and flopped, trying not to move so it would go away, but the pain was so difficult to deal with. It felt literally like there was a fire in my chest, and it tickled at the same time.

A went back to finish my drawing. I had done a few of them. They weren't actually drawings, but funny and cute quotes with words in all shapes, styles, sizes, and colors.

All of these are Dr.Seuss, "Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is you-er than you!"

"Don't cry because its over, smile because it happened."

"Step with care and great tact and remember that life's a Great Balancing Act."

The next was Robin Williams "I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you."

"One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody's listening." -Franklin P. Jones

"People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those who do." - Isaac Asimov

I put them on canvases so I can affix them onto the wall. They fit next to each other in a collage like way because they are all different directions and sizes. It seems weird, but I smile when I look at them because they are ever so relatable. And I think I did a really good job on them artistically.

My favorite was definitely I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.

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Those were all real quotes and credit goes to the people that said/wrote them.

Disclaimer: some of this book will be her at home and dealing with her problems not just her with 1D.

Apparently, Louis has a baby now? Should I include that in the story or pretend like it never happened?.

I hope you liked it!

-Sadie <3