The End

She Couldn't Trust Me

I can't do this anymore - contain this all inside of me, act happy whilst I am dying inside.

Because I couldn't save her.

Everyday I exist, carry on with my routine, but I refuse to allow myself to lose anyone else so I don't talk to them like how I used to. I refuse to laugh with them because if I do, I remeber how I laughed with her - but was she really laughing?

"We can't always get what we want."

I smile and I still speak to the people around me but I don't smile and I can't have a coversation with them. I try to laugh, it's forced but I can do it, and they believe me - was I as oblivious as they are?

Alone - endless solitude - I'm drowning in my thoughts. I try to read between the lines; when she said that, did she mean this? When she took long to reply,  was it because of them? Why couldn't I figure it out? Why did I always have to find out from others but never her? Why wouldn't she ever tell me? I thought I could swim... so why is the water always suffocating me? Is this how she felt? Or was it worse?

"Don't try to get to know me."

"I will fight you."

I was too weak to fight back. I swear I tried but no one else thought so.

"Didn't you know?"

No, I didn't. I can feel you judging me. Behind your screen, your clipboards, your protection. You look at me and think:

'Why didn't she stop her - some friend!'

Don't worry, I agree. I should've figured her out and when I did, I should have protected her from the problems but I am too stupid to figure out how to take the hits for her. I can work out complicated math questions, ace a science test, question a teacher but I couldn't solve something that mattered to me the most. I'm so useless - I fought the walls and beat up myself but I couldn't scare away her dilemas. Where is the revision guide for life? I think I studied the wrong topic.

"This is the low key layer."

"Don't ask for the high key. I won't tell you."

"We're are just useless."

I'm just useless.

I keep up my character.  This is just a drama but am I the bad guy?

Study, get good grades, but "good" isn't perfect enough. A is not what I should be getting - A* is the goal, no I must get it. They don't understand that I'm hurting,  I'm not as brave as my character.

Selfish. Why do I matter?

How do I explain that I could have helped her? Am I a murderer? At the end of the day,  I didn't save her...
It doesn't matter, my grades are all that counts.

I promise I tried. I swear, I tried but she dodged my queries, ran from my worried thoughts, diluted my fear...avoided me. She is a great actor too - was a great actor. I guess it all caught up to her.

She fell but I carried on running.

I'm running out of breath now.

My legs are not pushing me further.

I'm slowing down.

Purposely.

Why didn't I pick her up and carry on running? I could have carried her with me until she was strong enough to run on her own.

Should have

Would have

Could have

Pathetic.
Why didn't you do it then?

Stupid
I didn't know how to.

Cowardly
Why didn't you tell anyone?

Traitor
I did - before.  It didn't help

"I can't trust you."

"Why?"

"It's too long."

"Will you tell me what I did wrong soon or later?"

"Soon."

It was too late. I still don't know. Why didn't I think? This is my fault.

I guess I was not good enough. Genius -hah- I still can't figure her out.

I don't talk to anyone like how I used to before. They look at me sometimes, like they want to help me but they don't know how to. I keep to myself. How do I know that they won't leave me? She did. I can't take this anymore.

I'm finally here.

It looks quite far.

But the sprinkles in my hand will help.

I feel drowsy.

I'm stumbling.

Woops. One step too far.

I'm flying.

The wind feels nice. It is going to blow the darkness away.

I guess we were sort of similar.

I guess I should have helped both of us.

Too late.

I missed the deadline.

I'm falling.