Lost, If Only

Not A Home

Who knew losing someone could be so heartbreaking? I got a call telling me that Jacob passed. I was devestated, lost even.

I wanted him to know that I was lost without him, but how could I? He was gone, gone forever. I continued to check my phone for a message, but it remained silent.

It was painful. I tortured myself because I'm the reason he's gone. I pushed him away when things got good. I didn't want to be happy. That was something I was good at doing. Being unhappy was familiar, it felt right.

This time I wasn't just unhappy, I was miserable. Just the sound of his name made tears fall from my eyes. He crossed my mind constantly, especially when I was occupied.

I stared at the message "Leave me alone"and the sixteen missed calls from him. I curled up in bed at the thought of his disappearance. A world without him, was a world I couldn't live in.

"Chloe the food is ready!" My sister Lea yelled. Ignoring her, I remained in bed. "Mom Chloe's not eating again." Lea announced. How could I eat? But I knew Jacob would want me to eat.

So I decided to get up, I walked through the unfamiliar hallway. I didn't recognize anything. I was in my room for weeks, now I was back to society. And I didn't like the feeling it gave me.

Through the hallway, down the stairs almost every picture was faced down. Jacob was in most of them, after all, he has been my best friend all my life. But he just had to fall for me! I was so stupid, why did I let it get that far?

As I entered the kitchen all eyes were fixed on me, and the room became dead silent. My mother looked at me like she'd seen a ghost. I slowly pulled out a chair and sat down.

"Hey, Chloe. You okay? Jacob's parents called and wanted to see you." Mom said. My eyes must've began to water because she instantly panicked.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that." She apologized. My heart couldn't take it, the sound of his name cut deep like a knife. So I stormed back up the stairs, through the hallway into my room locking the door.

"Damn it Maggie!" Dad exploded pounding his fist on the table. He then left storming off to the bar downtown. He constantly stayed there. It seems like it was more of a home to him than our own.

I opened the drawer with all of Jacob's pictures. I haven't seen them since his death. I haven't talked since his funeral. I haven't looked in the mirror since our fight. I wanted to die right with Jacob.

I deserved it! I am the reason he's dead. I'd had enough! This was it for me. This is what I needed to do. How could I continue to live like this? I'm a monster. I'm a murderer.

Running to the bathroom too horrified to look in the mirror, I opened the medicine cabinet. I stared at the bottle of Tylenol.

I grabbed it and chugged a few pills at a time. My vision started to blur. Falling to the ground, I knew I was going to be happy with Jacob.

So I thought...