Torment

dreams

*Ping !

Shaking hardly , I reached for my desktop and opened his message. 

Hale Herewig : Bakit nanaman? Ang moody mo din no? Kinakausap mo lang ata ako kapag wala kang makausap e.

I begun typing , I tremble as i search for words to tell him... Galit nanaman siya. Ayoko ng ganito...

Kara Despues : No. It's  not what you think. Hindi naman e , para kasing mainit ulo mo baka makadagdag nanaman ako. Nakadagdag nga.

I waited for his answer. I took him so long , Still trembling i look at the clock below the screen of my desktop. It is nine thirty in the morning but my room still look dark because of those thick black curtains eating lights that is about to pass the windows of my room. 

I was about to reach the cup of my black coffee but I'm trembling too hard to hold my second cup of coffee for the day that i spilled it on the floor.

I cup my face with my two hands in exasperation, It can't be — Not again. 

*Ping !

I received another message. 

Hale Herewig :  Mas mabuti pa wag na tayong magusap lagi.

Kara Despues : No please ... Wag .

Hale Herewig : Wag na tayong mag usap.

Hale Herewig is no offline .

Clutching my chest and my eyes wide open in shock. I swallow the hard lump in my throat. No this ain't real. 

I can't breathe. 

Because of Anxiety ? because of depression ? 

My tears started falling , fuck coffee. I shouldn't have drink that. Two cups is good, it made me feel more emotion. Fuck i know coffee will do bad with my disorders. 

I reached for the drawer in my desk, i grab the bottle of Monoamine oxidase inhibitors. Three pills. I know it will do good on me. I'm still crying.

No this is just a dream. I need to wake up. I can here my heart beat. Its too loud. Its about to expload. I took another two and drink it all up.

Fuck my world is swirling.

I walk to my bed. Maybe I was about to wake up from this dream... Yes I'm going to wake up. I smiled as i rest my tired body on the bed. 

"I'm going to wake up— " I whispered to myself. "He's waiting for me —" I surfaced another smile.

"Are  you sure ?" I frowned. There she goes again. That voice. That voice again...

"I KNOW HE'S WAITING FOR ME SO SHUT THE FUCK UP !" I shouted as i kicked and messed my hair in frustration. I can hear her laughing. She won't stop. 

"HE'S WAITING I NEED TO WAKE UP !" I repeatedly told my self.

Then i heard knocks on the door. She stopped, arched a brow and looked at me.

"Kara baby , are you okay ? Si Kuya Kenny ito—" 

Now it's my turn to frown. Si kuya ? Imposible. HAHAHA. Nasa tour pa si kuya. Sa sunday pa siya dadating. I knew i was only dreaming. I smiled. 

"Ayos lang ako. Matutulog na ko para magising ako." I shouted back. I pulled up my covers. She teasingly looked at me like she's provoking me. 

"You can't sleep. Try this —" she said while pointing at the bottle of what seems to be sleeping pills on the side table of my bed. Drink me. A note was posted on it.

I took two capsules and drink it. I saw her laughing as i drift to sleep.

***

I opened my eyes. It's dark. I looked at my ringing phone. 4:00 am. 

I opened my phone seeing i received messages from him.

Hale Herewig : Good morning

My smile widen. I knew i was just dreaming ! I scrolled up to look for messages from him, those creepy messages that haunted me. There's nothing.

Hale Herewig : Gising ka diba ?

I hurriedly type an answer.

Kara Despues : Yes ! Oo gising na ko. Good morning !

He typed a happy face. I Typed another happy face. yes. I knew it. Those were only tormenting dreams. 

We keep on talking. Like how it should be. But i fell asleep again.

***

Opening my eyes i felt hot liquid oozing out. I hurriedly ran to my desktop and check it . It's here. I don't understand why i kept dreaming about this one ... but i need to wake up now ! Baka magalit siya sakin !

Di ko alam kung papano makakatulog ulit para magising ako , hanggang sa makita ko ang isang bagay sa dulo ng higaan ko.

"Tama, kunin mo yan. Yan ang makakatulong sayo..." aniya habang may ngiti. Tinitigan ko siya ng matagal. "It will be your last hope ..." bulong niya sa tenga ko habang nakayakap sa likod ko.

Sinunod ko siya. Inabot ko yun at inilapit sa pulso ko.

"Tama yan ... Makikita mo rin siya—"

Dahal dahang kumagat ito a balat ko hanggang sa mamanhid ako dahil sa sugat na tinamo ko.

Ang puting kumot at unti unti nang nagiging pula hanggang sa unti unti ring umikot ang paningin ko bago ito unti unting nag dilim.

"Kailangan kong magising —" bulong ko bago ako takasan ng kamalaya habang nakangiti.