Online

The beginning.

Another day. Same as the rest. I go to school and get ignored. I'm used to it now so it's like a routine. I always sit in the back wondering how my life got like this. I was happy as a child, I always used to play and go outside it was really fun to me but depression came along and kick me in the butt. I couldn't go through a full day without think I should kill myself or why I'm here. It gets hard sometimes. That why I cut. It helps me. Watching the blood flow, it gets the pain and hurt away. It's almost relaxing if I must say. I didn't tell anyone, I couldn't. They wouldn't understand. They never do. That why I do it. My father doesn't give a fuck about me and my mom is sleeping with half the street. I hated my life. And I haven't got any friends to talk to. Every night I go into my room and sit on my laptop. I put my music on. Tonight I put some Sum 41 on to bring some old school back. It was good.

I sat on my laptop chatting to my online friend. We have been talking for 2 year, ever since I was 13. He is the boy version of me. That makes me happy. Knowing that someone was like me and who cared about me. We always talked about how crappy our lives are. He know about my family and problems but he doesn't I cut. He would think I'm weird. And I don't want to drive him away. His name is Dan Howell, he is 16 and he is weird like me. He likes all the same bands as me too. We were just chatting away but things got personal. We talked about depression and suicide. I didn't know what to do.

Dan

They world is a cruel place full of hippocrates i'm not surprised people cut. My friend did once, his name was Phil, and he killed himself. It hurt. I miss him. I don't want people to cut, Do you cut?

That all it took. My heart beat raced I started to cry I didn't know what to say I didn't want to say anything. He never asked me anything like that before. It took a lot out of me.

Holly

I have to go.

Dan

What? Why?

Holly

I have to I need to do my homework. I'll talk soon

Dan

Okay. Bye

I wasn't going to talk to him soon. I didn't want to. I didn't want to do anything. I wanted to stay inside and cry. That what I did. Days when by me sitting not eating not doing anything. I didn't go to school that week either. I just wanted to die. I always wanted to die. I thought I should kill myself. I was going to but I didn't. Why didn't I do it? I had a perfect opportunity and I didn't do it. Why? Why would anyone care? If I did kill myself would people miss me? Probably not. The world would be easy with me out of it. I got a lot of texts from Dan but I didn't answer tho. I didn't want to. I didn't want to disappoint him.

I was on my computer when Dan popped up.

Dan

tALK TO ME PLZ. i DIDN'T MEAN TO SCARE YOU OFF. plz talk to me

Holly

Hi

Dan

Thank God. I thought you hurt yourself. Why did you leave me?

Holly

Yes

Dan

Yes what?

Holly

Yes I do cut. I stopped talking to you because I was scared and I didn't want to lose you. I thought if I told you, you would leave me and think i'm weird and I knew if you did that I would probably kill myself so I pushed you away. I'm sorry. But you don't know what is going on in my head.

Dan

Holly...I would never leave you. I want to help you through this. And I can't if you don't tell me. Tell me please. Tell me why?

Holly

It helps. My life is so shitty it just makes up of the things really. Each cut tells me that i'm closer to that good life. It helps so much. It makes me feel safe. Everyone that calls me, hits me I cut. I'm sorry.

Dan

It's not your fault. Can...Can I facetime you?

Holly

Yeah. I guess.

I saw the screen light up and it had decline and answer. I clicked a answer. This was the first time I was going to see him. I was never seen him before, only on photos. For all I know he could be a 69 year old pervert wanting to see girls nipples. Then Dan came on. The Dan with black hair. The 16 year old boy smiled at me I smiled back. I took in what he was wearing. It was just a simple Green Day shirt. I was wearing an oversized sweater and my skinny jeans. "Hey" Dan finally spoke. "Hi" I replied quietly. "You're really beautiful" he spoke out to me I just laughed and shaked my head. "Thanks, I like your shirt" this time Dan laughed "Thanks" he replies. "Can I talk to you?" "What about?" "I think you know what about". That scared me, of course I knew what about. I wanted to talk to him but how? I'm scared in case he doesn't listen or he thinks i'm a freak. "Oh" is all that came out of my mouth. "Look you probably thinking I don't understand" No shit "But I do. I want you to be safe. I want to help you and make you better. I want you to live your life. Let me help. I already lost Phil, I don't want to lose you." His words touched me. "Okay. I'll let you help me. That's if you want to. Is okay if you think i'm a freak. I was expecting you to say it." "Holly, you're not. You're beautiful and this doesn't change us. I want to help you because I-I-I love you" He says to me. "You love me?" I questioned shockingly taking in his words "Of course I do. I do, I love you so much" I tear left my eye. "I love you too" I say quietly back. "Thank God. Imagine if you didn't?" I just laughed in response. "Thank you. For helping me and loving me and talking to me for 2 years" "All my pleasure Holly Breen"