Knock Knock... Don't Invite Me In

Chapter 4: He's still here

 "Karoline! Oh my gosh Karoline!"

"Jake...?" I managed to mumble.

"Honey its me!"

"Jake...? Where are you? I thought-" I felt a hand on my shoulder and tried to reach to grab it but couldn't move my arm.

"The ambulance is on the way honey. Oh, Kar, I heard the news. I'm so sorry."

I groggily opened my eyes but everything was blurry. I blinked a few times and my eyes slowly cleared up.

"Mom? What's happening?" I asked, realizing it was my mom standing over me. Her jaw shook a little, searching for a way to respond when the news came back to me. Jake was... dead. Gone. Obliterated. Eliminated. Never to be heard of again... I would never see that charming smile or feel his warm touch. I screamed again and my mom embraced me in her arms.

"I'm so sorry honey. The ambulance is on the way. You were out for a long time." I sobbed into her shoulder.

"I don't need an ambulance mom. I'm not hurt. I was just shocked." I peeled myself out of her arms and laid face down in my pillow. "Can I, um, be alone for a while?" my mom hesitated. "Mom, I will be fine." she nodded, still looking worried. I forced a smile and she slowly walked out of the room. I buried my face in my pillow and cried. I don't know how long I stayed there, just like I don't remember falling asleep. I woke up with my head pounding and eyes puffy. I looked towards the window and the sun was starting to rise. How was I going to live another day without Jake?

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It's been a week. I've gotten out of bed only when I need to use the restroom or grab a snack, but mostly, my mom brings the food too me. She keeps casually hinting at me getting up and doing something but I just stare out the window. I hear knocks sometimes and people talking at the door, but I never get up to see if it's for me although my mom tells me it almost always is. I cant stop crying, although now all that comes out is heaving breaths. I've dried my eyes out.

The weird thing is, I still sense him here. every day, I see the curtain blow when there is no wind and my TV volume will turn a little louder. I know he is here, I know he wouldn't leave me that easily. I can feel him. I know I sound crazy, but I just cant let go of the feeling that he is gone, and I keep getting the sense that he truly isn't.

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Another week passed, and my mom was getting a little impatient.

"Honey, its been two weeks, its time to go back to school or do something."

"I want to be home schooled." I said, staring out the window.

"Honey, I have work all day, I don't have time to teach you." she said, the impatience rising. I could tell she was trying to be understanding but she was just being a good mother.

"I can teach myself. That's what I do at school anyways, the teachers suck." She took a minute to consider. She seemed hesitant, as any mother would, but she could see that she had no choice. "I'm not going back to school mom. I refuse." That seemed to seal the deal, she could clearly see I was not going to budge, and she had no way to force me.

"Well, if that's what you really want. But you have to do something, you have to go outside. Starting now, go." I looked at her, shocked at her stern response. She had been so gentle with me since... the accident. "I know what happened is horrible, and I realize you are mourning, but you need to move on at some point. You're 16, you have a whole life ahead of you. I know it feels like your whole world is over, but its not. Now go." she said, calmly but stern at the same time, if that is even possible. I shot her a dirty look and slid out of bed, my knees nearly giving out under me from not walking. I slipped on my slippers and made a dramatic exit through the hallway and out the front door. I didn't make it far, I sat on the curb outside my house. After five minutes of playing with a pebble at my foot, I heard a door close and footsteps approaching me. Someone sat by me and I looked over to see Caleb, my neighbor. He glanced at me with his big blue eyes and smiled pitifully.

"Look, Karoline, I don't even know what to say. I'm sor-"

"Don't bother. I get it. You're so sorry for my loss. You cant believe it happened to someone so young. I get it. Its what everyone says." His eyes grew and cheeks turned red and he looked down at his feet. I felt a sting of guilt. I wasn't meaning to be rude, I was just overwhelmed. "Caleb, I'm sorry. I'm being rude. Its just been a... lonely couple of weeks, ya know? I just cant believe he's gone." I said, a tear sliding down my cheek.

He gently set his hand on my back and forced a smile.

"I understand. I lost my dad a few years ago, it tore me apart. That's why we decided to move here, our old house was just a constant reminder of him." I looked at him, shocked at his confession, given that he'd only known me for five minutes in total.

"How'd you lose him?" I asked, scared to ask such a personal question.

"Its okay to ask, ive mourned. I miss him, but it doesn't control my entire life anymore. I just want to grow up to impress him now, that's all. I want him to be proud of me. Anyways, it was cancer. He was battling it for years, he was ready to go. We could all see that it was his time. It was peaceful, there was no pain. He was content with his life." He said, a faint smile on his face.

"I'm sorry Caleb."

"It's okay. What really motivates me to go on was his last words. 'I believe in you son, make me proud.' Those are the exact words he told me the night he died. And I will never forget them."

"How'd you get over it?" I asked, looking in his eyes.

"I haven't. He's still on my mind all the time. I just learned that I needed to move on and live my life, that doesn't require letting him go. Just like moving on with your life doesn't mean forgetting Jake." At the mention of his name, I winced. He shot an apologetic look and continued, "Look Karoline, I'm gonna be honest with you. I know it feels like you have no one who will understand and feel like its easier to block everyone out, but that wont help. You need to let in others to help otherwise it will just pile up inside and eventually you will blow."

"I can't. I have no one anyways. Talking about it hurts too much. It feels like my heart is being torn out all over again. Just the mention of his name makes me feel as if there is a hole where he used to be."

"I get it, trust me. But, if this makes you feel any better, I'm basically a stranger. Tell me about it, it will lift a huge weight off your shoulders, trust me. You know you can trust me, right?"

"But Caleb, he's still here. He's gone physically, and that hurts, but he's still here. I can feel him."

Caleb turned to me, eyes big and mouth agape. "Karoline, he's gone."

"No he's not. He's still here." Right then, a cold breeze passed between us. "See? Told you he is still here."