Don't End Your Story

self-harm (trigger warning)

TRIGGER WARNING

When you read that title, you might have flinched, or mentally cursed, or thought of yourself or someone else that you know self-harms.  

A/N I am NOT supporting self-harm, I am just saying what its like.  Again, I am absolutely NOT saying you should harm yourself, or encourage others to; I'm just saying what its like if you do, and alternatives.  Also, I'm not saying that it will be easy to recover, or to "toughen up".  It's not easy but it's so worth it.

That being said, I know how it is.  At first, its to take away the pain, but then it just becomes a regular thing.  Before doing it, you feel sad, lonely, afraid, depressed.  When you do it, you feel relief.  Most people wouldn't put it that way because often times it comes out wrong, but its true.  Afterwards though, you feel better, but might regret it.  It becomes an addiction.  It's stressful, hiding it from people, lying when they do see it, and trying to avoid anyone finding out.  

The road of recovery is long and tough, and it's different for everyone.  Different people may have larger or smaller obstacles and interruptions than others.  There are struggles and temptations you have to walk by keeping your chin high.  Sometimes you may give into these temptations, when you do, that's called relapse.  Again, I know how it goes; you thought you were doing great but you give in and then either act like it never happened, or your ashamed.  Let me tell you right now, if you relapse, it doesn't mean you are weak, or that you should give up.  It's just an obstacle.  A big, sucky obstacle, but nothing you can't get past.  

Now you may be thinking "Who does this psycho think she is, telling me about recovery?  Does she even know?"  And you guys perfectly entitled to think that.  

But I do know.  I know what it's like to be depressed.  Lonely.  Sad.  Tired.  Alone.  Helpless.  Useless.  I know what it's like trying to recover, relapsing, trying again and failing.  And God knows how hard I've tried. So all of this stuff is coming from someone who knows, not someone who thinks they do. 

I can't tell you to stop harming yourself.  When people tell me "Just stop, you're hurting people you love," or "Why can't you just stop?" or "It's not that hard," it pisses me off.  If people ever tell you this, don't feel bad if you get angry. 

You can't just all of a sudden put down the light or the blade or just stop the thoughts.  That's nearly impossible.  So when people tell you "Just stop," don't you believe for one second that you should feel ashamed that you can't "Just stop."  It's a process, not something you can just drop.

A good thing to do is to identify what triggers you; is it a certain person, a place, a song, a smell, sound?  There are often multiple triggers, the more you identify the better.  Once you identify the trigger(s), the next step is to control them (if possible), or control it's effect on you.  For example--if it's being alone in your room in the dark, maybe add some light to your room.  I hung colorful Christmas lights around my bed and its dark enough for sleep but not too dark and it helps sometimes.  If it's a certain song, maybe try avoiding it for a while.  

The next part is the alternatives.  A good friend once told me to take a marker, pen, or paint and write/draw on yourself.  It could be song lyrics or inspirational words, or an actual drawing like a flower or butterfly.  This (amazing) friend once also used to do something that went like this: whenever I was crying or having an emotional break, she would sit facing me, and she would say okay we're gonna hold our breath for five seconds okay? and I would hold my breath for five seconds, then she would say okay breathe.  Then she would tell me to hold my breath for five seconds again and I would.  Then we'd go to seven once or twice then to ten.  After we finished I was calmed down and my head was a bit clearer.  If you have someone you trust you can ask them, or you can do it in your head if you can focus.  There are other simpler things such as punching/screaming into a pillow, punching a punching bag, drawing/painting, cleaning your room/house, going for a jog (as long as it's safe outside), or listening to music that calms you (it doesn't have to be "calming" in an orchestral sense, but something that lifts you up.)  Sometimes venting to someone helps, and you don't even have to tell them you are thinking about harming yourself.

For long term, here's the part that no one wants to hear; go to someone.  It's difficult and scary, believe me I know, but if you go to a school councilor, your parents (if you trust them, or you feel like you can tell them), a teacher, an aunt or uncle, or a trusted friend.  Once you have someone fighting it with you, you'll feel a lot better.  

If you ever feel like harming yourself to a fatal point--

PLEASE I am begging you, go to someone, a parent, friend, councilor, or a trusted adult.  Please don't end your life!  

If you ever need anyone to talk to, my kik is evolvingsentences.  It doesn't matter what timezone you're in, or how late it is.  

I love you all, please be safe!

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