Fallen Goddess
Chapter One
I get up from the couch. I grab my back pack, look at the mirror and brace myself for another day of school. I find myself chewing on my nails and quickly yank them out of my mouth and snort in disgust. I walk into the kitchen. I make a move for a tangerine, but change my mind. Instead I go inside the refrigerator and take a cherry cool-aid. It had been my obsession lately; I liked everything that was red. It seemed tasteful, even clothes. I step down the stairs; take one last look at my house. I look at the grand piano on the living room and smile. My mom said my father loved playing piano. I grab the blanket off the piano seat before my mom see's it because she'd freak. She's a 'neat freak'.
For a second I pretend that my mom is standing before me saying, she'll miss me and wishes me luck. Ha-ha I thought - but like always, I was alone. I stepped outside and chant to myself "don't worry, you are ready". I reach out for the knob. My hand won't turn it. I'm so nervous. I close my eyes and think of everyone that will be there and know me and like me; I turn the knob and step outside. I think of Melissa and Alex- oh, and Jessica. My best friends. The cool autumn air made my eyes squint as a gush of wind was shoved in my face.
Ughh! I thought. I hate the cold. A new sensation crawls down my spine; and it isn't because of school-phobia or the cold. The same skin crawling sensation I've been experiencing for the past week.
I was on my way to my high school; Summit High. I duck my head and tried to dodge the wind. Toronto wasn't known to be very merciful in the fall. I sigh and put my hand over my belly. My stomach hurt. Not that butterfly feeling crap, but like as if my stomach was turning around and around. I have a small headache. I don't know what it is, but I just feel strange. This morning I woke up different. I guess it might be puberty. I laughed lightly- Puberty, right. I took small deliberate steps. I feel sick to the pit of my stomach but I won't miss school unless I'm coughing up blood. I look down at the sidewalk and stare at my shoes; I hope no one notices me. As I walk, I pass by a mother and her daughter. They look so happy, I thought unconsciously. The mother was holding her daughter's hand protectively and by the shine in her eyes you can tell how much she loves her daughter, that she'd cut of an arm for her daughter and her happiness. She holds her close and lovingly. She puts a smile on her face but you can tell she's worried. A new knot forms inside me. I stare at her daughter and notice she's skipping with happiness; probably her first day of school- ever. I smile a phony smile.
My smiles are an open wound without you.
I could tell the women saw right through it. I start to walk faster now, trying to escape the mother and her daughter. The pain that started to course through was not welcomed. I walk along the sidewalk counting the cracks and looking at the familiar houses of my neighborhood. Some people are busy with their garden, walking their kids to school- others walking into their car and getting ready for work like any other day. I felt so alone- but then again I didn't want everyone with me.
It was always the same thing. Have no one or have everyone. No middle ground for me. At least some people who care about me will be at school. I waited for students to start flocking all over me like hungry seagulls fighting over a fish. I am much liked -a little too much for my taste- and get a lot of the attention at school. I never paid much to it and I don't suck it up, but it's very obvious by the way the girls envy me and the way guys paid a lot of attention to me. I'm pretty, I guess. A lot of people haven't failed to mention that; but I don't really care and I ignore the guys because to all they want; is me in their bed.
I have been told a couple- a lot -of times I was beautiful and very fun but serious as well. I have a 'strong personality'- if you will. I'm very nice and goof around a lot. You may even get the impression that I'm a little ditzy but that's not the case. I have my priorities set. I don't like setbacks because they are an obstacle. I see the world with color but; then again I also see it black and white. I'm very responsible and trustworthy. I'm really kind and welcoming but if you bitch at me; I'm not that nice. I have certain goals in my life and I don't want anyone in my way. When I want something I get it and don't settle for less.
