i try to put on a smile that looks genuine but i just cant fake it anymore. ive been doing it so long that you think it should be easy. right? wrong. after awhile it actually gets more difficult. harder to pretend when its just getting worse. i feel like dying. maybe life gets better after death. maybe not. sometimes, i dont want to wait to find out. My time is when i decide. its not to be decided by anyone else. i cant stop the empty feeling and the loneliness. even in the best company, i feel lonely. not alone, but lonely. alone is serenity. peaceful. a time to think and keep to yourself. lonely is when you feel like no one is there for you when you need it. its crushing to think about. does anyone even really like me? or are they just in it for the things i give them or how i make them feel. sometimes i feel selfish because i just want to talk to someone who understands, yet i havent found someone like that. my thoughts are unnerving and i am alone. alone and lonely. i have yet to understand why i feel empty. why i feel nothing. im on prescription drugs for that. to make me feel something. to not make me feel completely empty. i try very hard to ignore the feeling but its always there. when i first started the meds, they kind of worked, put something in me so i didnt feel completely empty. i have no heart, no soul. only a pill. a little green and white pill that doesnt work anymore. they say i need to go on a higher dosage. my mother said no. nothing else is working. i tried. im trying. everyone wants me to keep trying, so i am. its alot harder with expectations. like you HAVE to get better for them. like you owe it to them. i dont owe them anything. i try because my best friend wants me to. its sad that that is the only reason. if it were up to me, there wouldnt be a me, but its not. i want to be okay but in order to do that, i need to talk to a person who also isnt okay.
