Just Starting Over

Secondly, How I Was Feeling Seven Hours Ago...

i really want to die because so much is happening
like me neighbour got his head blown off by his drug dealer because he couldnt pay for his drugs and his rent and blood was sprayed across his children and they will never forget what happened to their daddy
this is the worst thing that could possibly happen like why would someone do something like that over drugs?

im feeling real depressed over shit like that also the fact that me aunt barges in and throws me family at me
half i havent met
half i havent seen since a baby,
how Fucked up does that sound?

also that some people can be so cold to something so serious such as suicide and how people wont bat an eye at a suicidal being dangling off a bridge or bobbing down a lake lifelessly

it doesnt help that i take happy pills so i dont get like this
i havent token me medication in a few days ive been so depressed and bipolar which is what happens when i lay off the pills
but i dont want to go back on the pills because they never really make me happy they mask me happiness

i mean i have friends who are trying to understand and trying to get into me head and find out why im so lonely
a lot of you cared
but just not enough

a depressed girl doesnt kill herself out of hopelessness
she kills herself because she was strong for too long
not because Death suddenly seems so appealing
but because so many have questioned her existence she began to do the same
the person in which the invisible agony reaches a certain enforceable level will kill herself the same way a terrified being trapped in a flaming building would
make no mistake about people who jump from burning buildings
the terror of falling from a great height is the same as standing at a window at the same height because we could die at any given time
a variable is terror
because when fire is spreading and you're at the edge the fall is your last priority
because its not the desire of the fall its the fear of the flames
nobody looking up and witnessing can tell stop or dont jump because nobody can understand the jump
you have to have felt the heat of the flames and the temptation to understand